[21:35] Deezee: You know what’s depressing?
[21:35] Deezee: When you search “buttsecks” on google image search
[21:35] ghrog: ?
[21:35] Deezee: NO PORN.
[21:35] Deezee: -_-
[21:35] ghrog: um
[21:35] ghrog: right0
[21:35] Deezee: heck
[21:35] Deezee: only 3 images
[21:36] ghrog: …
[21:36] Deezee: type something like “pump”
[21:36] Deezee: ten thousand porn images… and I just wanted to see how a pump works for design engineering Sad
[21:36] Deezee: (and this is with safe search on for “pump” and off for “buttsecks”)
[21:37] ghrog: dz
[21:37] ghrog: maybe become a sex researcher?
[21:37] Deezee: Nevar
[21:37] Deezee: I am only a logistical research
[21:37] Deezee: er
[21:37] ghrog: stop scareing off the ghrog then plz?
[21:37] Deezee: Logistically speaking, if pump brings up porn, then a word like “buttsecks” that has “butt” in it should also bring up some porn
[21:37] Deezee: but no!
[21:38] Deezee: what is society coming to!? an innocent child such as myself is not safe to steal designs from other systems using pumps by trying to search for images
[21:38] Deezee: and yet when you actually want to see porn you can’t find it!


i suck via blog titles so basically y halo thar

Current Events:

When last I blogged, debate had started as well as driver’s ed. I still had no partner but at least my homework backlog was done’t.

I now have a partner, so that’s pretty cool. I hear he’s REALLY smart too… I hear he doesn’t even need to be in high school right now, but he just is so that he can get some extra credits. My ego will never allow me to admit that he’s smarter than me, probably, unless it’s clear he is. In which case, I will cry. I still don’t think I’ve met anyone smarter than me, with the exception of Kai. Well, let me rephrase… I don’t think I’ve met anyone smarter than me who is my age. Certainly, there are people who are more knowledgeable in a certain trade/field of study, but that doesn’t make them (on the whole) smarter than me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

There was this one girl who liked that guy I’ve mentioned before, who’s perceived as being the smartest kid in our school (just because he’s taking calculus as a sophomore). I refrain from using names so that I can’t be held accountable. Anyway. Turns out she doesn’t like him anymore because he’s a) way too nerdy b) way too clingy and c) way too desperate. He also hangs on to the past too much, which was something I didn’t know about him. Hopefully I can learn from his mistakes and at least not be too clingy or too desperate. The nerdy thing, I’m doomed. I’m more nerdy than he is! Oh, he was also too “goody-goody” for her… I’m probably even more “goody-goody” than him. Deezee, yeah, he’s a straight arrow.


I told SuperDude I had more to say about loneliness, and that I do. Simply put, I feel alienated from my age group due to my intelligence. Do I see people on a daily basis? Yes. Do I have what considers friends at school (acquaintances)? Yes. Do I still feel lonely? Yes. I feel as if I have no one to confide in. This in turn makes me feel lonely. And yet, I’m not entirely sure that I WANT to confide in anyone. On the one hand, I hate being lonely and feeling alienated (the concerns of my age group frankly seem so very immature to me) but at the same time I hate sounding like a hypocrite because I’m not technically alone and I have little justification in bitching about loneliness.

As I was discussing with teh ghrogzor, I hate to blog. Because when I do, I end up sounding like any typical whiny goth whore who just recently discovered the internet — something I detest so very much and something I try so very hard to avoid. That’s why I don’t really blog very much… If I had blogged regularly, my blog would be a lot bigger. I have a lot of stuff happen to me like the event I detailed the other day, and I have plenty to say about how I think and feel about these events. However, as I mentioned before, I can usually work out these thoughts and feelings on my own and see no reason to blog and risk sounding like the culmination of everything I stand against.

And lastly, I said that I had some thoughts regarding the advice my teacher gave me. He said that “responsible living is overrated.” This affected me deeply, partially because (as I mentioned before) I’m a straight arrow and partially because it is so plain about me that even a teacher I’ve only known for a few weeks could tell I lived that way. And yet I don’t know how to live any other way. I feel as though honesty and integrity are the two most redeemable qualities that a human being can have, and no matter how I live my life I’ve decided that I will always live it with integrity. More often than not this requires me to live like a straight arrow, and I have no qualms with that. I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to do drugs, I don’t want to party. Yet this alienates me from my age group. I want to succeed in the future so I work hard now to ensure my success by getting good grades and learning as much as I can, and this too alienates me from my age group. I wonder if all my work is futile, however. Is responsible living really futile? Have I already wasted precious time, time that can never be regained, pursuing this useless path? If I abandon this path now can I make up for lost time? Do I even want to abandon this path?
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Interesting advice

A teacher I know and respsect pretty well gave me some interesting advice today.

We were talking, walking up some steps, and as we were about to part ways, he made sure he had my attention and said. “Always remember this…” pausing for a few moments, “responsible living is overrated.”

I’d give thoughts but I’ve no time or energy. i{content: normal !important}

Good news bad news


Good news:

Debate started. I’m glad, I’d forgotten how much I’d missed it. Debate is brain food, it keeps me sharp. I really enjoy hanging out with the people there, even if we don’t necessarily consider ourselves “friends.” I don’t hang out with them outside of debate, which is actually too bad as I’d probably enjoy it. Alas, my social life is nearly non-existent outside of the context of the internet, anyway, so yeah.

I still don’t have a partner but that’s okay, I think that problem is being fix’t. This girl from my science class (sits next to me, OMG LAB PARTNERS) joined debate and wants to do Lincoln-Douglas (solo debate, not as good as policy) but Mr. Mansfield (coach) will probably convince her to do policy and be on my team. Rox! I’m getting rides home with Mansfield too, which is ultra-convenient. Also, I’m like the guy in charge of making sure we get money next year, since I’m on the senate and stuff, so basically I rox.

I started driver’s ed, which means if all goes smoothly, I could have my license in as few as six months from now! I’m pretty excited about that, because that means I’ll probably get to hang out with BLEr’s a bit more often. Cheesy. However, if things don’t go smoothly, it could take much much more time than that. I have a feeling that things’ll be alright though.

I’m all caught up from my backlog of homework and missed tests from when I was absent for a whole week, so I’ve got A’s in all my classes again! It’s important to start with a strong pace because it becomes much easier to keep to that pace.

Last but not least, all my computer worries seem to be behind me. A big thanks goes out to Cody for putting up with a total whiny n00b when it comes to computers. Without him I’d probably still be running on my old rig, that couldn’t even take DDR RAM! Despite some problems with setting the new one up, alls well that ends well and I’m genuinely happy that it’s set up.

Bad News:

Being smart is quickly wearing thin. Everyday I contemplate how much different (and likely, happier) my life would be if I weren’t as intelligent as I am now. I don’t presume to “know everything,” and I don’t (often <_
I’m coming to believe more and more everyday that ignorance really IS bliss. I can remember a time when I didn’t know nearly as much as I do now (and I’m not talking about just academia, I’m talking about knowledge of the way things work and knowledge of my family) and I was also a lot happier back then. I used to be one of the most popular kids in my elementary school. At the risk of sounding arrogant, if I was ever absent for a few days (like I usually am) a flock of kids would usually crowd me as I got off the bus. Yes, I was popular once. Even in middle school I had some degree of popularity — everyone seemed to know my name, that kind of thing. However, 7th grade is also about the time things started going downhill and I became less and less social and more and more concerned about my future and about my family.

And now in highschool, I can honestly say I’ve reached the point where I have no friends. I know, that makes me boderline whiny-emo-goth-whore, but I’m willing to take that risk to get some stuff off my chest. Sure, there’s people I sit next to at lunch, and there’s people that I talk to in my classes, but they’re not friends. Not friends in that I really care about what happens to them… not friends in that I help them with their problems and they help me with theirs… not friends in that they’re the people I turn to when something goes wrong in my life and I just need someone to listen to me. There’s people I talk to online even, yet there’s only one who I’d call a friend at this point. (No Cody sorry not you it’s Kai.) Perhaps my criteria for a friend is too high or perhaps I’m just too self-contained, but either way that’s the way I feel about things. Even in this blog I haven’t really admitted much — I’d admit this much to a person if they so much as asked me to. That’s why I’m typing this in my blog — it’s something that I can link to when someone asks me “how are you feeling?”… something I can link to so that the link says “fine” but they click it and realize I’m not. Just because I’m sarcastic like that.

What really irks me is that all of my acquaintances are having girlfriends just flock to them. Despite their glaring flaws, like being unable to hold a good conversation, or wasting all of their money on pot, or just being generally pretty “slow,” they still get girls left and right. Hell, even Carson, who is revered as the smartest kid in our school (which I would argue but I won’t for this particular blog) gets girls, if only because his extracurricular activities are more socially acceptable than mine. Whereas I’m into computers, video games, writing and debate, he does soccer, extreme sports (mostly snowboarding/skiing), and cross country… although he too is into computers. It turns out that this girl that’s been in my class for the past two years and who I’ve been helping out nearly every day with work/etc has a crush on Carson. I can’t help but feel a little disappointed when that kind of thing happens… I’m too nerdy even for the girls who like nerdy guys. It helps that he’s rich, I guess. I might’ve been into snowboarding/skiing/etc if my parents got me into it and had the money for me to do it. I might’ve been taking advanced courses if my parents would’ve let me and had the money to pay the testing fees. He argues that he isn’t rich when he owns a house that’s about 4,000 square feet on the lake shore.

On top of that, my free time is quickly dwindling. While that’s not such a big deal, I do enjoy a certain amount of leisure time. I do like to sit back and relax and get a few frags in Counter Strike or improve my Ninja Gaiden skills, but lately I’ve been coming home so worn out from classes, homework, catching up, and my mild angst that I just kinda sit in front of my monitor until I get tired enough to go to bed. I really do want to write and finish my book, but if I’m too brain dead to even play some video games, I’m far too brain dead to start on my book.

And while all of this builds up, I still have to worry about my family. My sister, as I’ve come to learn piece by piece over the past few years, is a large slut. As awful as it sounds, this does not concern me in the least. I suspected that she might become so much, and I never did have a strong bond with her. She was always a bitch to me, despite how nice I might try to be to her. I’d try and help her with math homework and she’d only get frustrated with me and get angry with me. And for the longest time (even now) she got away with murder–anything she did she would be “punished” for, but the “punishment” was always relieved within days, if not hours. My mom would always vent her frustrations over my sister and my brother out on ME! I never did a fucking thing to earn that kind of hatred. I’m the only fucking kid she’ll ever have that will ever be ANYTHING and I’m the one she has the worst relationship with. Excuse the terminology in which I describe her, but she’s a two faced bitch. (See also one incident in one day of my life: a typical day. Keep in mind this kind of stuff happens all the time.) In fact it’s this kinda thing that my blog is about.

Before I begin I’d just like to note that she really IS two faced. Even if I tried to tell my friends how much a bitch my mom is, it’s really impossible to do so. When you meet her, you’ll think she’s one of the nicest, coolest moms in the world. That’s because she’s really nice to strangers/people who aren’t in our family. It’s like she saves up all the frustration and annoyances she has with other people and vents it all over the people living with her. Hell, she even vents frustrations she has with people living with her on other people living with her (IE frustrations about my brother and sister are vented on me).

Let me just go over my day today. I wake up about five minutes late, and of course it’s unwritten that I’m supposed to get everyone else up (via means of my taking a routine shower that wakes the house up because we have bad plumbing). So immediately going into my day I know I’m gonna be blamed by SOMEONE for them running late. True to form, as we’re getting in the car about to go to the bus stop (because my sister was running late) I get blamed for my sister for her inadequacy to get herself up. Then I get to ride in the back of the bus which means I have to listen to rap music that’s played far too loudly on people’s shitty headphones while said people try to smoke and be “gangsta” and generally think they’re badasses (keep in mind this is BELLINGHAM, WASHINGTON. In no way at all a town where there’s gangs or any kind of that activity. It’s a great town don’t get me wrong, but it’s often ruined by idiots like these kids).

School goes rather smoothly. Not TOO much homework, etc. No social life but I don’t mind. I often can keep myself comforted with thoughts of my future successes (which I make myself believe are not only possible, but imminent). I look forward to the end of the day because sometimes there’s this girl I know who sits next to me and usually sits pretty close. It’s not gonna go anywhere (she has a boyfriend) but hey, it’s the closest I get to girls on a daily basis. -_-

I come home and generally avoid being upstairs, as that’s the domain of my mom and sister. I get online for a bit just to relax, then I go do some homework (finish up all my Algebra stuff). I come back and play some games, anxiously awaiting my driver’s ed class in a few hours. I go upstairs to make a sandwich, and just double check with my mom that she knew I had class and knew she had to pay. She flips out at me and tells me “I KNOW HOW TO RUN MY OWN FUCKING LIFE THANK YOU VERY MUCH” and mutters various obscenities under her breath. If that sentiment were true, she’d remember to pick me up for debate (I know, it’s hard to forget that I have it every week), or remember to pick me up after school when I have to make up tests and call her twice that day and leave messages both times on all her phones. But hey, she can run her life, so I better stop trying to help her out by reminding her of things (ONCE).

So I go back downstairs for a while, but am called back up to fix Jeff’s computer. Jeff is my step-dad, FYI. His computer is also a real piece. Even worse than mine, and despite his extensive education, he seems to be unfit for maintaining it. And despite the fact that I never use it, it’s another unwritten rule that I have to fix it. However, not this particular time. Instead, my mom just wanted to call me up about 10 minutes before we were to leave so she could bitch about how slow it was running and how late we were going to be because of it. She and I both know it’s my sister’s fault that the computer runs bad (on top of Jeff’s as well) and yet I take all the flak for it. Even while in the car she still goes off about how slow it was running and how pissed she was. Occasionally she would just pound the steering wheel and yell obscenities, and most of the ride was passed in deafening silence. Except for when she muttered more obscenities under her breath, revealing how worthless she thought I was. Then she gets really frustrated with simple mishaps that happen while driving (and vents on us), but worst of all was she couldn’t find the driver’s ed place for about five minutes. The tension was so thick in the van… She was screaming and yelling like it was my fault we were lost (when she had chosen the school without any real input from me). At one point she yelled “keep your fucking eyes peeled!” when I was already visibly searching for the school. We find it within five minutes and only had to turn around once.

Class was alright but I was stuck with a bunch of kids I don’t know and there’s these two semi-annoying girls who basically define the typical high-school prep girl that kept laughing and talking the whole time.

When I come back, I try to tell my mom the things I’ll need to get done in order to receive my license. I reminded her that I’ll need 20 hours of driving with her before I can take my 4th drive with the class, and I’ll need an additional 30 hours before I can get my intermediate license in 6 months. She again yells at me (with obscenities laced throughout) about how far off that is and how much she doesn’t care. She’s also trying to get me to ask my debate coach if I can’t squeeze in a few drive hours with him. When we stop so she can get milk and I can get a bite to eat, I ask my sister if my mom’s been a bitch all day. She responds “only around you.” Great.

When I get home at 9 PM, I take it upon myself to fix the upstairs computer despite the fact I don’t really have to. Yet this pisses my mom off because she has to take the dog out. I can never win with her. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Anyway, this starts her off on another tirade about how worthless my sister and I are (me in particular), which I saw coming a mile away. I end up spending an hour trying to fix the upstairs computer, in part because it’s so slow. I don’t get a single thank-you. Instead, I’m met with “I wonder if what you’re doing to this fucking computer is making things worse.” “Mom, I’m removing spyware.” “Well I don’t know what the fuck that is!” I explained it to her just a few days ago. If she doesn’t trust me to fix the computer, why does she ask me? Why does she let me? Hesus Krist.

So I finally get to come down to my room at 10 PM, where I get online and talk to Nick for a little bit. I’ve been writing this blog for roughly an hour. I was supposed to do some homework but I’ve put it off until morning. Sigh. I’ve got debate tomorrow, hopefully that’ll cheer me up. i{content: normal !important}i{content: normal !important}


Sometimes, all I want is perhaps one of the simplest desires ever. Everyone feels it. I just want a significant other. Really, that’s all I think about sometimes. Particularly when I’m extremely lonely. However, I’m always talking about how I don’t want a girlfriend, and how I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to have one. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. Because I still adhere to the belief that I don’t want one — the logical side of me (which is in control of me, I rarely give in to my passions) realizes that it’s a bad idea to have a girlfriend at this point in my life, and so I don’t have one. And probably won’t, despite the burning desire for one.

hy·poc·ri·sy Audio pronunciation of “hypocrisy” ( P ) Pronunciation Key (h-pkr-s)
n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
2. An act or instance of such falseness.

An ACT of such falseness… I’m only desiring a girlfriend but not yet acting on those desires. So I’m not hypocritical! Go me.


God I hate my peers sometime. I’m riding home on the bus today, sitting next to this one girl who I know for a fact is sexually active (I don’t think she readily admits it but I’ve been there when the dirty deed takes place and there’s some pretty hard to disprove evidence of her dancing the horizontal tango)… Some fat whore (excuse my terminology) behind me starts bitching that “OMG I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN ONE AND A HALF MONTHS!!” and the girl next to me says “OMG SHUT UP YOU’RE DISGUSTING,” which struck me as at least minorly hypocritical. I think it’s likewise disgusting that she’s sexually active at such a young age, but meh.

Yet the whole time all I could think of was “I HAVEN’T BEEN KISSED IN OVER 16 YEARS!!” but I don’t bitch about it. Most of the time I keep it inside and just think about it at night (usually writing pretty good blogs in my mind) but by the time I’m awake I’ve forgotten the woes I had had that night and don’t blog. I’ve been living so long without sharing my feelings anyway that it just feels awkward to do it.

Anyway, back on topic, people wonder why I hate going to football games and dances. I would think it’s fairly obvious why I don’t enjoy either activity. At football games, which are usually very cold, everyone goes with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Which is an excellent idea, considering the cold… you need a warm body next to you just to function. However, in case I hadn’t made this clear previously, I don’t have a girlfriend, so at football games I usually either sit by myself and freeze or sit next to friends and freeze and feel jealous* because they have their dates with them.

Before I get off track with being susceptible to jealousy, I’ll briefly go over why I dislike dances. It’s mostly the same reasons. All of my friends have dates to go to (and also have the advantage of knowing how to dance) while I have no such person to go with (nor do I possess the ability to dance). So basically I stand around and drink punch while my friends dance, while also being constantly reminded of that passionate want of a girlfriend that I try so desperately to suppress. Not exactly my description of a fun time.

*Yes, I’m susceptible to jealousy. Of course being around couples makes me jealous. Particularly when I’m around my other guy friends. Pretty much everyone I know at my school is either a pothead, extremely bad at conversation or intelligent discussion, flat out brain dead, or leeches their personality from rap videos/other people. I am the only person my age I know of who doesn’t smoke or drink or do any kind of drugs and who generally enjoys intelligent discussion. I can’t help but feel jealous when I see people like the ones I’ve described above get all the girls (sometimes twice) while in the mean time I get nothing. I don’t even get hugs. Not even slutty girls will HUG me. This of course causes me to be very bitter, which is probably a contributing factor to the lack of my getting hugs.


I’m sick of giving people second chances. Screw that. You get one major fuckup with me before you’re gone. There’s 6 billion people on this world, and I have neither the disposition or time to be disappointed 12 billion times. In that regard, my mother, father, and sister have all fucked up once already and get no second chances. Likewise, Dillon, Jake, Dane, Katie, Katie, Sam, Katelyn and probably a handful of others (I can’t be bothered with remembering all of these dipshit’s names) are excommunicated from the church of John.


LOL via Presidential debates.
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Wow, after about 2 weeks of bs, I finally have my own computer up and running! It was a long battle but in the end my superior intellect and Cody’s REAL intellect (ahem) beat the beast. With some help from Nathan’s harddrives, of course.

There’s not much to say about my life right now. I guess things are going pretty good. I got all the classes I wanted for school (which started 9/8, I think) and my teachers are all cool. I’ve got some interesting people in my classes. I still feel mostly “alone” at school, but eh.

I want to get started on writing, but, something’s holding me back. Meh. i{content: normal !important}