This blog must suck to read.

Yeah, sorry to make you guys read this crap. Oh wait, no I’m not, because no one reads it anyway (because it’s crap!). Not that I’m complaining.
Anyway, this will probably be a big long one, unless of course I get tired half way through writing it and cut it short. Who knows what I’ll do. I don’t!
So basically, a lot’s been going on. I’ve been trying to get out of the house these past few weeks. Last week of school, Nick told me that I could stay at his house. So, I talked to all the adults I knew about it and they all encouraged me to go. My friends of course all encouraged me to go, too. And I’d been considering getting out since way back in the day when my dad offered me a place. OHCRAP FLASHBACK TIME:
Back when young John was a youngster, his daddy divorced his mommy and moved away. Some say it was because they didn’t love each other anymore, and some say it was because daddy wasn’t pleasing mommy. Really, though, daddy was just a moron and lost the house that mommy tried to buy, so she told him to GTFO or FOAD or something like that.

So daddy moved to a trailer park and thought it would be a good idea to invite mommy and the family to stay with him there. GLHF with that! Mommy was pissed and bought her own house. Daddy let his little boy come and stay with him occasionally, and his little boy realized “holy crap I don’t have to be sad all the time because the head of the house is a psycho bitch!”

Then daddy moved away to California and offered the little boy a place to stay. But daddy’s a fuck up so he lost that house too and left the kid to rot in Bellingham embittered, with hope shattered. Thanks, jerk.
So anyway, I talked to my mom about it and things didn’t really go over all that well. I typed up an email to someone a while ago which pretty much summed up how things went, so here you go:
Tried to talk to my mom. Things ended poorly.

Writing it all down now verbatim and with direct quotes and as unbiased as possible.

I come to her and tell her that Nick has a place for me to stay, and I think it would be a good idea for me because things are stressful around the house for both of us. She basically says “Where is this coming from?” I try to articulate that it’s because of all the yelling. But of course, I’m pretty scared, and in these types of situations I can’t get much in edgewise with my mom (while she’s emotional) so no matter what I would say it would lead to outbursts.

She suggests that perhaps I should go into counseling. The issue seems pretty closed to me: can’t go to Nick’s, and I’m going to be going into counseling. I go downstairs for a while. I talk to Nick and to Nate. She calls me back up, and my sister is there.

She says “Well, you’re a debater. Convince me why I should let you go.”

I say “Because I want to focus on school and on my novel.”

She says “And you can’t do it here because it’s such a {sarcastic intonation} volatile {/sarcastic intonation} environment here?”

I nod or meekly say yes.

I can tell that things are not going to go well. The conversation starts by me trying to explain why things are volatile but that just leads to her cutting in on rants that last for a few minutes while I end up saying nothing. Not that these rants are unjustified. She has one valid complaint about us: we don’t help out much around the house. However, this has ALWAYS come up, and whenever things come to a head, Caitlin and I have explained that A) we don’t know what she expects us to do and B) we don’t know how to do a lot of what she expects us to do. We’ve always suggested A) a chore list and B) one day of learning how to do the housework required of us. These things have never happened, and we always get yelled at about not picking up the house enough. I can elaborate more on this issue if required.

She also talked a lot about how she doesn’t know how to raise us because her mom died, etc. I’ve heard this all before, and I’m not making light of it now — it’s just that I think I told you about it. If not, I definitely told my counselor about it when he asked. What he said to me was that these things all help to “explain” her behaviors but not excuse them. And I do feel bad for her and I can understand exactly where she’s coming from… and like I said, I’m not trying to make light.

After she and Caitlin are done talking about how “things aren’t so bad recently” they try to goad me into talking. I don’t remember exactly what about, but it was probably “well, why do you think things are so bad?” Because of the yelling. Which results in more yelling. That my mom doesn’t think is yelling (she often tries to say that she isn’t “yelling” at us.)

Random things that I remember about the conversation (I was pretty quiet the whole time, not saying much of anything:) “You and Caitlin and Justin are always trying to play the victim!” She would lead me into conversational traps of sorts… She would ask why I’d go down in my room all the time (so I wouldn’t have to talk to her)… Then she’d ask why I wouldn’t talk to her (so I don’t get yelled at for reasons I can’t predict)… Then she tries to say things like “oh because I’m ALWAYS yelling at you… if I stopped yelling at you would that fix everything in your life poor baby?” She’ll tell me to be “logical” about picking up the house (“Oh, I see this, I should put it in the dishwasher, etc…”) I try to explain that I don’t see much of the house because I go to my room — she says that’s a choice that I make, not that she makes.

The most frustrating thing was that the whole time she was telling me she wanted to listen to me, but was at every single turn refuting my feelings. And I’m just a stupid 16 year old boy who hasn’t seen the real world, so it doesn’t matter what I think, because when I look back in a few years I’ll realize how good I had it. I can’t try to argue with her, etc. So I was stuck upstairs in a conversation that I couldn’t really get out much of what I needed to say, but I was being yelled at because I wasn’t saying much of anything, and then I got yelled at when I left (she wouldn’t let me leave 2 times).

The conversation ended with me finally being able to get some stuff off my chest. She seemed like she was going to make a chore list for us finally. She wanted to know what else she could do to improve the situation. I said that I was worried about how much effort it would take to fix our situation (being as we’ve been dysfunctional since I was born… it’s not like stuff fixes overnight) and that I’d be too stretched out between doing the AP stuff, trying to balance family stuff, Haley stuff, job, etc… Then she says “well life’s a bitch” and that I’d never make it on my own in the real world. Maybe she’s right?

She thinks that we (the children) only want money from her. She basically said that she works her ass off to give us a roof and give us food, and then we ask her for more and more.

I tried to explain that I never try to ask her for money now unless I absolutely, positively NEED it. I shouldn’t have asked for money for Canada, I realized now. Anyway, she says things like the Canada thing piss her off because they come up relatively last minute. I tried to explain that’s because I’m afraid to ask her. I also remember times when I ask her in advance and she says that it’s too early for me to tell her and to remind her in a week. (I didn’t mention this to her, but this is exactly the situation that happened with the driver’s ed thing… As soon as I got in the class, after the first day I told her we’d need 20 hours outside of class by April. This is in October. She says it’s way too early to worry about it. I bring it up periodically as the months go by. She has me drive a little with Jeff. When I drive with her it’s stressful for both of us because she doesn’t like to be a passenger. Jeff can’t drive with me often. I remind them I need 20 hours by April. We put it off and put it off until eventually it’s too late. Then suddenly it’s my fault that the 20 hours didn’t get done. I had wasted her $250 on the class.)

She asked me “What are you afraid of? Have I ever hit you? spanked you?” etc.

She brought up that she’s never physically harmed me. She reminded me I don’t have it that bad.
So that’s all been good and fun. If I want to get out now I’ll have to get emancipated. GG_legality.
In lighter news: Guild Wars with Mark and Dave has been tons’ o fun, and I’ve been around Haley a lot more lately, which is always a good thing. That and the recent DoD contest owned. By far my favorite track was by Ashane, but that’s still a bit “rough” and he’s going to re-release it. I can hardly wait. (Well, actually, I can wait, but I’m looking forward to hearing a “good” version of it… heh.)
One of these days, one time, I should probably write my novel, maybe.
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