Ahah. I knew it. (Lessons recently learned)

Introduction

This is one of those instances where you hate to be right but you are anyway. I always suspected Haley was leading me on in many ways and I suppose I was right. Here’s her comments on single-hood:

“Being single fuckin’ rocks!!!! Everything is going so well, life is blast. It’s so nice to just live, without all the B.S. and drama that’s attatched to a relationship. Freedom is sweet and it’s been awhile since I’ve had any (freedom that is ;)”

Again, I reiterate that pretty much any time I asked her how things were going, she said they were going swimmingly.

I’ve known all my life women are full of shit.

I thought perhaps she was different, and boy did I miss the mark.

Reminder: don’t get involved with girls. It’s for your own good, really.

Life Lessons From Yours Truly

  1. DTA – Don’t Trust Anybody. This doesn’t mean you can’t rely on anyone, or that you can’t necessarily open up to anyone. But you can’t trust anyone but yourself. In life, everyone is out to get only what’s good for themselves. No one is out to help other people. People will manipulate, abuse, misuse, mistreat and take advantage of you until there’s nothing left…if you let them. So don’t. And the first step to stopping them is to not trust them.

  2. Women are fucking nuts. Seriously. Don’t even question it. I’ve met maybe one or two decent women in my whole life. Never-mind the correlation between their decency and my relative unfamiliarity with them. (I’m sure if I got to know them more, I’d figure out that they were crazy too. However, I don’t want to take that step.)

  3. Honesty is golden. Even though nobody else will value this virtue, you should at least make it important to yourself. At the end of the day you can always reflect back and pat yourself on the back — at least you were honest in all you did and all you said. Very very few people are honest, and that’s why you can’t trust them. Why not be someone everyone else can trust, even if you can’t trust in them?

  4. The only admirable goal in life is self-improvement. If you are going to live for any one cause, live for this one. Always strive to make yourself a better person. Hoist yourself above the cess pool that is humanity and achieve something greater. Perhaps not much greater, or perhaps a lot greater — it’s up to you. But if you aren’t striving to improve yourself, what is the point of your existence?

  5. Solitude is a fact of life. No one will ever be able to perfectly understand you. No one will ever be completely dependable. No one will ever be completely trustworthy. For these reasons it is important for you to realize that solitude is simply a fact of life. You can still have friends and confidants, but you’ve gotta realize that you’re on your own in this world. The more you realize this fact and the more you live by it, the less complicated your life will become and the happier you will become — a life not dependent on others to be happy is a life that you alone control. You alone will be responsible for your mood. If you’re always honest and striving to improve yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll find yourself unhappy.

  6. Intelligence won’t earn you any respect. No one will like you if you are smart. Fact of life. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to be intelligent. Quite the contrary. If you are living to appease others, you’ll likely find yourself at every party from now until you wake up in a puddle of your own puke (and even beyond then, too). Is that the kinda life you want to live? If so, I can’t sway you.

  7. MY OPINION DOESN’T COUNT FOR ANYTHING. Stop listening to me right now. Just stop. People put waaaaaaaayy too much stock in to what I think and say. I’m not trying to be unaccountable for my words, but cripes, you people think I’m the end-all be-all or some crap. I’m 17 and mentally retarded. Get over it.

  8. Happiness is something you earn, not something you get. You have to work towards happiness. It won’t just be handed to you on a silver platter. If it is, it’s not truly happiness… and you’ll soon find that out, the hard way. You must look inwardly to find true happiness. You must be content with yourself to be content with your life. Stop running away from yourself!

There you have it. When I think of any more nuggets of advice, I’ll be sure to share. However, always keep in mind rule number 7.

Family Feud

J. Durden
Mr. Knoth
AP Lang & Comp
21 September 2005
Family Feud
Many people say blood is thicker than water, and scientifically that fact is infallible. However, in a metaphorical sense the statement is not universally true. Some family members, I have a profound and important connection with, while others I won’t know are dead until I see their obituaries in the local newspaper. My family has, for good and for bad, been pivotal in shaping the person I’ve become.
Topping the illustrious list of family better left forgotten is my mother. My mother was never much involved with my life unless berating me. I often got (and get!) into hot water for unpredictable things. One day I found out that my debate meeting was going to be over an hour early, so I called my mom as soon as I found out (at 3:00 PM). I was trying to do her a favor (knowing she has a really busy schedule, what with being a real estate agent and all) by letting her know that if it would work better for her to pick me up later, that was entirely possible. I could also do homework while I waited for her until 5:00 PM. I instead received a stern tongue-lashing at her hands for 15 minutes about how irresponsible I was and how much harder I made her life. When I was picked up at 5, I put up with more of the same for the thirty-minute drive home – without objection.
I learned long ago by watching my brother and sister not to fight back or say anything – that just makes her tirade even more cutting. If you asked my peers, they would likely describe me as a stoic person; after my mom gets done with me I choke back tears until I get to my room, and even then I try to hold back. If she hears me crying, she teases me and calls me a “little baby.” She’s called me a “worthless piece of shit” despite my best efforts to convince her I’m not (through school, extra curricular activities and the writing of my novel) and has called me a “greedy bastard” after asking for some food money to be used on a field trip to Canada. Worse than all her negativity are her sporadic moments of sanity and compassion. After spending an hour to chew me out, she’d take a minute to say that she was “really sorry” and that she “shouldn’t have acted that way.” For a time I forgave her. But apologies were rare, and more often than not she’d just throw a few dollars my way and hope the bad situation would be forgotten – which it wasn’t. It became very difficult to trust my mom because of how wish-washy she was. My mom is responsible for my numerous insecurities as well as my generally downtrodden mood.
Perhaps as a symptom of my melancholy, I don’t feel too particularly attached to either my dad or my sister. For as long as my memory has been operable, my dad has been distant from me. Either he would be at the computer, working on one fruitless project or the next, or he’d be at work. For years he talked of all the things we’d do together – camping, fishing, hunting, restoring old cars…you name it, he promised it and never made good on it. In fact, the first time I did most of those things, I did them with my friends’s dads. My father regularly abused my trust, and that’s had a lasting impact on my life. Even now I have trouble trusting anyone. Even before my father moved to California a few years ago, he wasn’t much of a presence in my life. Even now, I’ve talked to him maybe a dozen times and seen him half has often.
My dad wasn’t smart with money either: every three years (like clockwork) we would have to move from our current residence because my dad hadn’t been paying his bills for a year or two. Just when we all thought he wouldn’t be able to continue doing this, he filed for bankruptcy! To top it all off, he ended up losing the first house our family tried to buy in much the same way. From him I learned how important it was not to be a screw-job with money. I also noticed that he was stuck in a job he hated because he didn’t go on to college or try very hard in high school, thinking instead he could just “do something with cars” his whole life. That’s only reinforced my fervor for education.
My sister only made a tense situation around the house even worse. She had a penchant for drama; our house was her stage and the tragedy was her life. I don’t pay attention to her much anymore, and my memory isn’t what it used to be, but I do remember getting into trouble because she’d lie about my brother and me. She was also sarcastic enough to warrant my mother calling her a “bitch,” despite my mom chiefly favoring my sister among her children. There was an event just this week in which my sister proceeded to push my buttons by popping off to me for twenty minutes. Her expressions and tone are something that can’t be written down – suffice to say they are highly aggravating. She eventually began to get in my face and cut me off whenever I tried to get a word in edgewise. I had to grab her arm to make her pay attention to me (I was not rough with her, I didn’t pull or push her) and to get her to be quiet. She (of course) overreacted, crying and running down the street shouting “GET AWAY FROM ME!” After ten minutes she’d seemingly forgotten about the whole situation and was perfectly content. These kinds of things drive me insane. While it may seem like my immediate family has done me no good, that isn’t necessarily the case.
My brother was my father when the real one wasn’t around, my teacher before school began and my first and truest friend. In my younger days he introduced me to the fundamentals of education – reading, writing, and arithmetic. Education has been important to me because it alone provides me with a way to improve my quality of life. He also introduced me to my single vice (and one of my largest passions) – video gaming. Some of my earliest memories are not of myself, but are instead of him. When he would go off to school, I would stand in the windowsill and cry, wishing he didn’t have to leave. We easily sympathized with each other growing up, as we both had a common evil in our lives – our mother. However, when I was in middle school, my brother began his slow downward spiral into alcoholism (which peaked during his brief enrollment at WSU). His problem became mine as I waited up in the early hours of the morning to let him back into the house, where he promptly passed out. Because of his struggles with alcohol, I resolved never to touch the stuff myself. I can thusly thank my brother for two things – my intelligence and my strict intolerance of all substances illicit.
My family has imparted into me several virtues as well as grated on my very sanity. Thanks to them I pursue my education feverishly and refuse to ‘experiment’ with drugs, but I also owe them my gratitude for my less-than-stellar track record with personal relationships. Because of my oft-uninviting demeanor coupled with my lack of trust, I tend not to make or keep friends easily. But while my family may have been influential in shaping me, they haven’t cast me in iron. I am not bound or chained by them, and I am in control of my future. Cuts are, after all, only skin deep.

Obligatory "back to school" post.

School actually started for me on the 7th. However I didn’t get back until the 13th, and every day since then has been spent trying to catch up. I’m still not all that caught up (few questions left concerning my AP US History class) but for the most part I’m golden.

I’ve got classes with people I like and a few people I don’t like and a bunch of people I don’t know all that well (and don’t care too much to get to know — it’s a mutual feeling) so on the whole I’m not all that excited. Two of my teachers I had last year: my French teacher and my AP US History teacher. Beyond that, I’d met the physics teacher before and talked to him about his classes, and I’d also met my AP stats teacher. My pre-calculus teacher doesn’t matter too much as I’m taking that class independent study (just check in with her for work and what not) and my AP Lang and Comp teacher is new to me but seems to be a cool guy.

So, yup.

On the first in class AP Lang essay, between all three classes (about 80 people), there was only one score of 8 (out of a possible of 9) and three scores of 7. 9’s are essentially the same as 8’s, but are “particularly full or apt in their analysis, or demonstrate especially impressive stylistic control.” Both 8’s and 9’s earn you a 100% in the grade book. I was the guy who got (or “earned” if you’re in Mr. Michel’s class) the 8. I didn’t really care to boast about it, because other people would make a bigger deal out of it than me (and also probably hate me) and I’d like to keep the year as drama free as possible.

Other than that, not much to report. Back to homework for me.

Okay, so Haley and I are done for real now.

The only crappy thing is that I know she’ll probably read this. As much as I’d prefer to just have her gone and done with, she’ll probably hang on board for a good long while, reading my blog, lurking on the forums, yadda yadda. Unless she “doesn’t have the time to,” in which case, it doesn’t matter to me one bit! I’ve already cleaned out my Myspace simply because I’m pretty much done with that trash now… Never liked it anyway, only had pictures up and about five friends, so another clean slate wasn’t much of a problem for me.

I will now recount the glorious Haley saga as best I can, using what small written details remain and my often faulty and inept memory. I’ll also try and do it as unbiased as possible. Bail out now if you don’t want to be caught up in reading trash.

It all started about a week after Valentine’s Day in February. Well, okay, it didn’t start then. It really started at the beginning of the ’04-’05 school year when Haley and I ended up sitting next to each other in science and I tried convincing her to join the debate team (already smitten by her good looks). We talked sporadically throughout science and/or debate. I suppose she thought of me as a friend whereas I didn’t think of her as such; my criterion for friendship included contact outside the confines of the school building (I, thusly, didn’t have many friends).

Over Christmas (excuse me, ‘winter holiday’) break; she apparently became smitten with me as well. Sometimes I was nice to her and sometimes I was mean… I was in a MUCH different state of mind back then, so it’s hard to recall why exactly I was doing the things I was. I guess I was afraid of having a girlfriend because I had never had one before and had no idea how to handle one. I thought I’d be a colossal failure (which ultimately I suppose I was) and that she’d hate me or reject me or whatever else (so it was pointless to even try). On top of that, I held the unjustified belief that women were more trouble than they were worth and so I shouldn’t get involved, and should instead focus on academia and videogames. Oh, if only I’d held to my convictions.

Fast forward to a week after Valentine’s Day and Haley and I profess our love for each other via the telephone and many late night phone calls during mid winter break. Over the next two months I would suffer some oddities at her hands… mostly, I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that we were together on threat of her leaving me. I also couldn’t really be seen much with her in public (she didn’t want me to be in any way affectionate with her in public, and the temptation was too great for me so I stayed away) which basically led to a relationship where we only talked with each other late at night on the phone for two months without ever seeing each other.

During that two-month period I think we had seen each other once or twice at lunch. We would go down by the river and sit together and it was pretty nice. I was becoming very fed up, however. There was a late arrival one day, so we planned to meet each other in the morning. She didn’t show, however, and I remember feeling very upset and distraught. A teacher saw me in the hall, and though I was usually melancholy I must’ve looked pretty horrible because he asked if something was wrong and told me I could talk to him whenever I wanted.

As the day wore on I learned that Haley had been at a party the night before, likely the cause of why she hadn’t shown in the morning. You all should know by now how I feel about parties and drinking and drugs and whatnot. Really, I probably should’ve bailed out when I learned the extent of Haley’s involvement in all things illicit, but I didn’t. I was “blinded” by love, pshaw.

Thinking Haley’s problem was a bit worse than it was in actuality, I concoct a plan to help her, not really thinking much of our relationship or myself. Honestly. I remember growing up, when my brother began his slow downward spiral into alcoholism, that he had “no one there for him.” I didn’t want Haley to look back and feel as though if someone had been there for her, her life could’ve been different… I decided to “be there for her,” as it were.

So I talk to a mutual teacher about, firstly, my upbringing (so that he can perhaps understand a little better my aversion to alcohol and drugs) and secondly my concerns about Haley. Things begin improving markedly, Haley and I start seeing each other regularly, etc etc.

Somewhere along the line, I thought she’d stopped lying too (which was a CONSTANT problem throughout the relationship) but I guess she hadn’t. Apparently, my getting upset at her lying only spurned her to lie more.

She makes a bunch of promises about things that’ll happen in the summer, which I should’ve been much more skeptical of. Of course, such things never happened. Chief among them, in my mind, was the thought of being around her a lot more — that never materialized. In actuality, I ended up seeing her LESS during the summer than I did during the school year. My mood thusly deteriorated… for one, I was disappointed that she wasn’t making good on her word (a constant problem throughout the relationship) and secondly I was disappointed that I wasn’t seeing her much.

My mood, of course, did affect the relationship and was probably a factor in her not wanting to see me much. One event in particular really got me in a bad mood. For several weeks we talked of a time when her parents would be out of town and we would have her house to ourselves for the day. The night before this day, she lets a friend stay over (I had played a large part in making these two friends, mind)… fine with me, so long as she’s gone by morning.

Lo and behold, the friend isn’t gone by morning, or until her parents arrive in the afternoon. Haley had neglected to mention that, oh, her parents wouldn’t be out of town after all. I ended up sacrificing a perfectly viable opportunity to pal around with Nate on one of his last weekends before moving to Utah in order to go depress myself at Haley’s house. She never really understood what upset me so much about this event.

Things continued to deteriorate as I felt that she was choosing all of her friends over me. Worse still was how she complained about how shitty all of her friends were, meanwhile telling me I was the best thing in her life. Clearly, I wasn’t, if she was choosing to spend all her time with her friends instead of me. For a full week and a half, I couldn’t even get a hold of Haley, presumably because she was so involved with friends. After this long quiet spell, she finally tells me that it was because her dad wasn’t approving of her spending so much time with me — a fact she could’ve admitted much sooner and saved us both a lot of grief. She didn’t, however, because she feared I would be “upset.” She also failed to make good on coming to see me one or two times after she revealed that fact to me… I of course was pretty upset that she couldn’t manage to come to see me. I felt as though the relationship had always been on me to survive. She eventually did get out and I thought we’d patched things up. She’d even wanted to uh… consummate the relationship as it were (but that never did happen, ever) on that day… so I thought things were pretty good.

However, she dumped me that night. At first I was devastated (and confused), and determined not to talk to her ever again because this had come out of nowhere. However, I was just too grief stricken and ended up talking to her several times, at first trying to convince her to change her mind, and then trying to understand why she’d dump me. All throughout the relationship she had been telling me that I was doing things “perfect,” and then at this moment she dumped a kind of laundry list on me of things that left a bad taste in her mouth. This left a really bad taste in my mouth and probably marks the point at which most of my love for her died.

We eventually did end up getting back together but didn’t really see each other much. However, things were pleasant, or so it seemed. I didn’t much call her, having expended all of my energy in previous trying times during the relationship, and mostly left it up to her to make plans and so forth. So we didn’t end up seeing each other much.

The one week I did want to get a hold of her (this week), of course I couldn’t. I’d read a little post by Hannah on Haley’s blog that alluded to them going out to party this weekend… normally, I would’ve just ignored it unless Haley had brought it up, but this time I was a bit distraught because this weekend happened to be my birthday. (BTW, I was born on the 10th; I’m now 17, go me.) So I was trying to get a hold of her so that I could invite her to a little barbecue and games day that my friends were planning.

I didn’t actually ever get through to her and left a frustrated message to the tune of “I’m getting sick of this.” That was about all I said, and I suppose it must’ve been too much. She called me yesterday (on the 9th) to tell me that she didn’t have enough time for me anymore, and that made her feel guilty, so the best thing (of course!) to do was to give me no time at all — dump me, again. I asked her if she’d thought it through this time… she said she had, and I said that was good because I wasn’t going to be in an off again, on again relationship with her. If this was the end, this was THE END. And she said fine.

So things didn’t really end well and I don’t really care to be her friend or talk to her much right now. It’s funny though, because on the evening of the fourth, I was talking to my friend Nick about how I was fed up with the situation with Haley (she had just called me that weekend, perhaps the first time in a week, just to tell me that she was going to spend the night with that girl who spread that rumor about me… classy move, Haley) and thinking of ridding myself of the frustration.

Guess I didn’t have to.

The love’s dead, and I haven’t really heard of love being rekindled, but I’m not exactly saying that it’s impossible. I dunno. Maybe when I see her I’ll fall in love all over again, or maybe I won’t. She’ll never know though, because she wrote herself off of my life already.

She expressed frustration at how she was “good enough to be my girlfriend but not someone I could talk to,” which isn’t really true. The two come together, not separately, really… in her case. But she’s exhausted my patients and my love now, so she likely won’t be getting a (good) piece of my mind for a long time. In fact, there are only two people (one male, one female) who I’ve known since before BLE that are still privy to the inner workings of my mind.

Besides — when the ball was ever in Haley’s court, she always fumbled it. It’s basically in her court again, and she probably doesn’t even know it. She probably isn’t even playing the game anymore (I still want to know the real reason she dumped me — I suspect foul play but could care less at this point) and good for her.

Good for me to be rid of her.

Musical finds

I’m reorganizing my music tonight. Current time is: 12:11 AM. I will be posting coolish type songs here for you to go enjoy as I go through my 3000+ songs.

These will be songs I HAVE NOT recommended before.

These songs are pretty tough for me to genrify, because I suck at genres. So yeah. Do your best. I’d recommend listening to them all anyway! They are all hot.

I went through 470 songs and it’s now 5:52 AM. I took some short breaks here and there, and listened to a lot of stuff… anyway.

HOT SHIT (ambience)
HOT SHIT (ambience)
HOT SHIT (ambience)
HOT SHIT (ambience)
HOT SHIT (funk)
HOT SHIT (funk)
HOT SHIT (guitar/trance)
HOT SHIT (industrial)
HOT SHIT (orchestral)
HOT SHIT (orchestral)
HOT SHIT (piano)
HOT SHIT (techno/metal)
HOT SHIT (trance)
HOT SHIT (trance)
HOT SHIT (trance)
HOT SHIT (trance)
Acoustic
Acoustic
Ambience
Good Electronica
Grunge
Jazzy?
Jazzy
Live
Live
Lounge
Metal
Orchestral/Rock
Rock
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno
Techno/jungle
Trance
Trance ?
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance
Trance/guitar