The only crappy thing is that I know she’ll probably read this. As much as I’d prefer to just have her gone and done with, she’ll probably hang on board for a good long while, reading my blog, lurking on the forums, yadda yadda. Unless she “doesn’t have the time to,” in which case, it doesn’t matter to me one bit! I’ve already cleaned out my Myspace simply because I’m pretty much done with that trash now… Never liked it anyway, only had pictures up and about five friends, so another clean slate wasn’t much of a problem for me.
I will now recount the glorious Haley saga as best I can, using what small written details remain and my often faulty and inept memory. I’ll also try and do it as unbiased as possible. Bail out now if you don’t want to be caught up in reading trash.
It all started about a week after Valentine’s Day in February. Well, okay, it didn’t start then. It really started at the beginning of the ’04-’05 school year when Haley and I ended up sitting next to each other in science and I tried convincing her to join the debate team (already smitten by her good looks). We talked sporadically throughout science and/or debate. I suppose she thought of me as a friend whereas I didn’t think of her as such; my criterion for friendship included contact outside the confines of the school building (I, thusly, didn’t have many friends).
Over Christmas (excuse me, ‘winter holiday’) break; she apparently became smitten with me as well. Sometimes I was nice to her and sometimes I was mean… I was in a MUCH different state of mind back then, so it’s hard to recall why exactly I was doing the things I was. I guess I was afraid of having a girlfriend because I had never had one before and had no idea how to handle one. I thought I’d be a colossal failure (which ultimately I suppose I was) and that she’d hate me or reject me or whatever else (so it was pointless to even try). On top of that, I held the unjustified belief that women were more trouble than they were worth and so I shouldn’t get involved, and should instead focus on academia and videogames. Oh, if only I’d held to my convictions.
Fast forward to a week after Valentine’s Day and Haley and I profess our love for each other via the telephone and many late night phone calls during mid winter break. Over the next two months I would suffer some oddities at her hands… mostly, I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that we were together on threat of her leaving me. I also couldn’t really be seen much with her in public (she didn’t want me to be in any way affectionate with her in public, and the temptation was too great for me so I stayed away) which basically led to a relationship where we only talked with each other late at night on the phone for two months without ever seeing each other.
During that two-month period I think we had seen each other once or twice at lunch. We would go down by the river and sit together and it was pretty nice. I was becoming very fed up, however. There was a late arrival one day, so we planned to meet each other in the morning. She didn’t show, however, and I remember feeling very upset and distraught. A teacher saw me in the hall, and though I was usually melancholy I must’ve looked pretty horrible because he asked if something was wrong and told me I could talk to him whenever I wanted.
As the day wore on I learned that Haley had been at a party the night before, likely the cause of why she hadn’t shown in the morning. You all should know by now how I feel about parties and drinking and drugs and whatnot. Really, I probably should’ve bailed out when I learned the extent of Haley’s involvement in all things illicit, but I didn’t. I was “blinded” by love, pshaw.
Thinking Haley’s problem was a bit worse than it was in actuality, I concoct a plan to help her, not really thinking much of our relationship or myself. Honestly. I remember growing up, when my brother began his slow downward spiral into alcoholism, that he had “no one there for him.” I didn’t want Haley to look back and feel as though if someone had been there for her, her life could’ve been different… I decided to “be there for her,” as it were.
So I talk to a mutual teacher about, firstly, my upbringing (so that he can perhaps understand a little better my aversion to alcohol and drugs) and secondly my concerns about Haley. Things begin improving markedly, Haley and I start seeing each other regularly, etc etc.
Somewhere along the line, I thought she’d stopped lying too (which was a CONSTANT problem throughout the relationship) but I guess she hadn’t. Apparently, my getting upset at her lying only spurned her to lie more.
She makes a bunch of promises about things that’ll happen in the summer, which I should’ve been much more skeptical of. Of course, such things never happened. Chief among them, in my mind, was the thought of being around her a lot more — that never materialized. In actuality, I ended up seeing her LESS during the summer than I did during the school year. My mood thusly deteriorated… for one, I was disappointed that she wasn’t making good on her word (a constant problem throughout the relationship) and secondly I was disappointed that I wasn’t seeing her much.
My mood, of course, did affect the relationship and was probably a factor in her not wanting to see me much. One event in particular really got me in a bad mood. For several weeks we talked of a time when her parents would be out of town and we would have her house to ourselves for the day. The night before this day, she lets a friend stay over (I had played a large part in making these two friends, mind)… fine with me, so long as she’s gone by morning.
Lo and behold, the friend isn’t gone by morning, or until her parents arrive in the afternoon. Haley had neglected to mention that, oh, her parents wouldn’t be out of town after all. I ended up sacrificing a perfectly viable opportunity to pal around with Nate on one of his last weekends before moving to Utah in order to go depress myself at Haley’s house. She never really understood what upset me so much about this event.
Things continued to deteriorate as I felt that she was choosing all of her friends over me. Worse still was how she complained about how shitty all of her friends were, meanwhile telling me I was the best thing in her life. Clearly, I wasn’t, if she was choosing to spend all her time with her friends instead of me. For a full week and a half, I couldn’t even get a hold of Haley, presumably because she was so involved with friends. After this long quiet spell, she finally tells me that it was because her dad wasn’t approving of her spending so much time with me — a fact she could’ve admitted much sooner and saved us both a lot of grief. She didn’t, however, because she feared I would be “upset.” She also failed to make good on coming to see me one or two times after she revealed that fact to me… I of course was pretty upset that she couldn’t manage to come to see me. I felt as though the relationship had always been on me to survive. She eventually did get out and I thought we’d patched things up. She’d even wanted to uh… consummate the relationship as it were (but that never did happen, ever) on that day… so I thought things were pretty good.
However, she dumped me that night. At first I was devastated (and confused), and determined not to talk to her ever again because this had come out of nowhere. However, I was just too grief stricken and ended up talking to her several times, at first trying to convince her to change her mind, and then trying to understand why she’d dump me. All throughout the relationship she had been telling me that I was doing things “perfect,” and then at this moment she dumped a kind of laundry list on me of things that left a bad taste in her mouth. This left a really bad taste in my mouth and probably marks the point at which most of my love for her died.
We eventually did end up getting back together but didn’t really see each other much. However, things were pleasant, or so it seemed. I didn’t much call her, having expended all of my energy in previous trying times during the relationship, and mostly left it up to her to make plans and so forth. So we didn’t end up seeing each other much.
The one week I did want to get a hold of her (this week), of course I couldn’t. I’d read a little post by Hannah on Haley’s blog that alluded to them going out to party this weekend… normally, I would’ve just ignored it unless Haley had brought it up, but this time I was a bit distraught because this weekend happened to be my birthday. (BTW, I was born on the 10th; I’m now 17, go me.) So I was trying to get a hold of her so that I could invite her to a little barbecue and games day that my friends were planning.
I didn’t actually ever get through to her and left a frustrated message to the tune of “I’m getting sick of this.” That was about all I said, and I suppose it must’ve been too much. She called me yesterday (on the 9th) to tell me that she didn’t have enough time for me anymore, and that made her feel guilty, so the best thing (of course!) to do was to give me no time at all — dump me, again. I asked her if she’d thought it through this time… she said she had, and I said that was good because I wasn’t going to be in an off again, on again relationship with her. If this was the end, this was THE END. And she said fine.
So things didn’t really end well and I don’t really care to be her friend or talk to her much right now. It’s funny though, because on the evening of the fourth, I was talking to my friend Nick about how I was fed up with the situation with Haley (she had just called me that weekend, perhaps the first time in a week, just to tell me that she was going to spend the night with that girl who spread that rumor about me… classy move, Haley) and thinking of ridding myself of the frustration.
Guess I didn’t have to.
The love’s dead, and I haven’t really heard of love being rekindled, but I’m not exactly saying that it’s impossible. I dunno. Maybe when I see her I’ll fall in love all over again, or maybe I won’t. She’ll never know though, because she wrote herself off of my life already.
She expressed frustration at how she was “good enough to be my girlfriend but not someone I could talk to,” which isn’t really true. The two come together, not separately, really… in her case. But she’s exhausted my patients and my love now, so she likely won’t be getting a (good) piece of my mind for a long time. In fact, there are only two people (one male, one female) who I’ve known since before BLE that are still privy to the inner workings of my mind.
Besides — when the ball was ever in Haley’s court, she always fumbled it. It’s basically in her court again, and she probably doesn’t even know it. She probably isn’t even playing the game anymore (I still want to know the real reason she dumped me — I suspect foul play but could care less at this point) and good for her.
Good for me to be rid of her.