2:25 AM. Why don’t I have confidants?

I used to have them. Confidants, in case you don’t read blog titles, you see. But what happened? I don’t quite know. I have suspicions, of course, but everyone has those.

I suspect that my parent’s divorce has a lot to do with it. Not directly, of course. But during that time, I became extremely jaded as the misconceptions I’d created during my childhood were forcefully thrown in my face. We weren’t a happy little family, my brother wasn’t the hero I’d made him out to be, my dad wasn’t the “man” I thought he was, and my mother was more human than monster (which made her harder to cope with — a monster can be written off, but a human is much more sympathetic). The upshot of all that was my increased cynicism and sociopathic tendancies – I became very rude, vulgar, and just plain nasty.

And why not? I’m still pretty irritable and untolerating at my worst. Things or people that annoy me often unfairly earn my ire, which can be pretty brutal – I was “trained” by mom, who is a master of her craft. I couldn’t and can’t stand ignorance. Rather than root it out by seeking honest and intellectual discourse with my peers, I called them morons. Calling them morons was way easier, and I’m pretty lazy.

But that’s probably why I don’t have confidants, and why I get lonely in the wee hours of the night. I have trust issues, see. It’s not hard to trust this blog, really, because for the most part the people who read it are nameless and faceless. Certain people I know in real life read what I write but don’t confront me with my own thoughts, and so I don’t have to worry about writing what I want to in my blog. If they do confront me, I just answer their questions vaguely or avoid them outright. I can’t even trust my brother properly sometimes – yes, I suck.

I trusted Haley almost completely and shouldn’t have, because she betrayed it. Now I have even more of a problem trusting people, and in common tongue: that sucks and is not nice (may even be bad!).

So instead of having confidants, I just have people whose essays I read and edit in the wee hours of the morning. Then I try to say a little something here and there to them, hardly a slice of the things I want to share with someone (anyone really), and that’s that. Sometimes they respond, sometimes they don’t.

And all the time I wonder and brood.i{content: normal !important}

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One thought on “2:25 AM. Why don’t I have confidants?

  1. Pingback: Ethics and Leadership, Part 1 | AHYH ASR AHYH

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