Why didn’t I send this?

This letter probably isn’t going to make sense until you reach the end. I’m telling you this now so that you read it all in one go.

I am a coward.

These are the things that I should have said to you on Saturday, actually, even before Saturday. These are things that you’ve always deserved to know but I was too afraid to tell you. I’m sorry. I was afraid of losing you, but now I feel like I already have lost you. My moving away to Utah is in so many ways just running away from all of the mistakes I have made. It doesn’t solve anything. Now that I’ve lost you, I can tell you the truth. At the very least, telling you these things won’t make anything worse.

You have been the second most important person in my life. The first most important is obviously my brother, but, he hasn’t been around lately. When you take that into consideration, in many ways, you have been the most important person, ever, in my life. It is not an exaggeration to say that you have been my truest and dearest friend. You have always been there for me when I needed you. You have alway supported me, believed in me, and wished the best for me, and I can never, ever hope to thank you enough.

I have to apologize. Until recently, I had taken you for granted. I am so very sorry. I’m sorry. I took and I took and I took — you gave and you gave and you gave. I know that I have not been anywhere near as important to you as you have been to me. I have always known that, but recently, I have thought about it a lot. It is my biggest regret in life that I could not be the same friend to you that you were to me.

It is not an exaggeration to say that for the past five years, not a night as gone by that I didn’t think of you. Even if we haven’t talked much recently, I could draw upon the conversations that we did have, and the things that you had said to me in the past as means of supporting myself. Whenever I was feeling sad I could always talk to you and be cheered up by your kindness, and if I couldn’t get a hold of you I could remember all of the things you had said to me.

I think you already know this, but I need to tell it to you anyway. I don’t pretend to know what love is. The only thing I know of love, really, concretely, is the bond that my brother and I share. I feel that I have been in love with you for a long time. I tried to tell you once and I think it created an awkward situation — I refrained from trying to tell you ever again because I was afraid of creating too much distance between us. I would have rather been your friend than not have talked to you at all. I would still rather be your friend than not talk to you at all.

But I’ve screwed up with you too many times. When I dated my girlfriend, I realize now it was more of an attempt to “get over” you, in a sense. I was trying to move on and trying to “love” someone else. But I should have never, ever done that, because it wasn’t fair to her, it wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to you. I stopped talking to you during that time because I felt guilty — I felt guilty that I still had feelings for you even when I was dating this other girl. Our relationship — yours and mine — has never really recovered from my stupid mistake at that point in time. But like I said, I have always taken you for granted, and I have always treated you much worse than you have treated me.

It was ironic that you should say that if you were living in my situation, you would vent unknowingly on everyone around you. I am not trying to make excuses, but that is exactly what I did. I am so sorry.

I remember that towards the end of eighth grade, when I thought I was moving down to California, we promised to always stay in touch. I hope that promise is still valid, even as I move to a different state — to Utah, instead of California, and eventually to New Mexico. I really sincerely want to stay in touch with you. Whether or not you want to be a part of my life, I will always appreciate the time you gave to me and the support you gave to me. You will always be a part of my life, even if you aren’t necessarily an active one. I will always remember you. You have been the best friend I have ever had, the kindest person I have ever known.

My moving to Utah is less of a solution and more of an escape. I’m running away. I’ve always wanted to tell you these things, like I said, and I’ve always hestitated because I was worried of losing you. Even when I was going to move to California, it was in my plan to tell you some of these things when I got there — obviously now I can voice them much more clearly, and in more detail, and you mean so much more to me today. I have never had the courage to tell you how I feel. Now that I feel like things couldn’t get any worse or more distant between us, I can tell you these things, because telling them to you won’t make things any worse. Things can either stay bad or get better.

I just spent an hour or two talking to one of my friends, Mark, about how I’ve felt about you and how I really regret everything I’ve done. After we were done I cried harder than I ever had before. I repress my feelings so much that sometimes I just don’t even know how to express them. I’m so sorry.

I sincerely hope you can forgive me. I have been an idiot, a complete and total idiot. I also understand if you don’t forgive me. I sincerely hope we stay in touch and always remain friends, but even if we don’t, you have my eternal gratitidue for the friendship that we once had. I miss you and I hope to hear from you.

(6/27/06) i{content: normal !important}i{content: normal !important}

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