A year has gone by.

Hello, internet.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Nobody reads this page anymore. The community of rabid readers I had built have moved on to other things – things that get updated more often, and are more entertaining to read. Those people I thought I had befriended turned out to not care, yet again (sans Johnny Virgil, who I always thought was a cool guy). No word from me for a year and no word from them either.

Last I’d cared to tell most – I was leaving Washington and heading for St. John’s College in Santa Fe, New Mexcio. While the departure stayed the same the destination wound up being wildly different – Murray, Utah. I was accepted to SJC, you see, but my parents failed to fill out their end of the financial equation. I can’t really remember with clarity the head-space I was in at the time of my exodus, but suffice to say that I’d had enough. I’d had enough of everything – my family, Bellingham, my friends, my “friends,” my school…

In my first of what I intend to be several posts, I will be catching up on what has transpired. This page has, over time, become more and more for myself. I don’t know that anyone has the URL even though I’ve given it to a person or two. The posts catching up to what’s happened will variously have material written now and material written in other places that sum up events better. The first such piece is a letter I wrote to KeLa:

“Date: Sep 3, 2006 3:10 AM

It’s 2:40 AM where I’m at as I start this, and I gotta get up at 10:30 AM or so to shower, get dressed up (you know, in a nice shirt, with a tie…did you ever think I’d dress up?) and go to work.

I just got done writing a letter by hand for two hours to someone from Bellingham who, when I was there, I barely knew. When I left, she suddenly wanted to be my pen pal.

I could use the friendship, to be honest.

So you wanted me to tell you everything, eh? Well, I guess I’ve got the time for that. I’ll start at the beginning.

Before I left Bellingham, I made one final push to reach out to people and establish lasting connections. KaMa, someone with whom I was once a great friend, and I got together one last time and hung out — the final memory I have of her is her passing judgement on me that I have no reason to be as “jaded” and whatnot as I am. I saw the (secret) love of my life (or the past six years) for the last time (and still couldn’t tell her how I felt, or even salvage our broken and dead friendship). I tried to see you. I tried to see LyWa. Hell, I even worked up the balls to call KeDy (who left a number to call her at in my yearbook) and came pretty dang close to seeing her, too. I chatted with AaTe, hung out with a number of unscrupulous characters, and said my goodbyes on the 11th. I did manage to see KrLi a few times before going, too.

The trip down was full of mixed emotions. What was I supposed to feel? I was leaving, virtually on my own, the only home I’d ever known. My destination was a state I’d never been to with a friend (9 years my elder) I’d only known for two years, living with his family (many of whom I’d never met). I had no idea what his wife thought of me, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was running away, mostly, from a life of broken relationships, hatred, confusion, desperation, despair towards an uncertain future with no real aim and a pithy excuse… Saint John’s was a means to an end — a ticket out. I won’t be attending. I could never afford to.

I stayed awake the full 16 hour drive — keeping Nathan awake, and then his wife, Sarah. With Nate I chatted about his relatively new exciting job with 3spn, a company that stands poised to bring some legitimacy to the notion of professional gaming. With Sarah I talked about my unique (in Washington, and other ironically “liberal” states) criticisms of the modern feminist movement and widespread entrenchment of misandry in popular culture that largely goes unnoticed. It was good to finally talk to her, as generally she is very quiet and reserved, but I was sad to find that she is a little to complacent to live her life subservient to the traditional role of male as leader. I wondered if this was due to choice (which is fine, if that’s the case) or because of her Mormon beliefs and upbringing.

For the next two weeks, I volunteered at Nathan and Paul’s (Paul is Nate’s older brother) gaming center, helping them prepare for a big, national event they were planning while simultaneously getting acquainted with the city. All was well, I was having a blast, and the event was spectacular.

Shortly though, the excitement of the move wore off, and my eyes opened a bit more. I realized that my efforts to make lasting relationships had completely and totally failed. I realized that my only friend in Utah was Nate, and he was usually far too busy to do anything — what with a family, two jobs and whatnot. My self esteem has never been too high, and I am relatively eccentric – a formula that doesn’t equate to the best circumstance to meet new people.

Furthermore, Nate’s parents wanted me gone from his house. Thankfully, Paul took me in, and I’m still with him right now… I’ve been here for about a month, now. Generally I like this arrangement more than the prior one.

I have a job selling and repairing watches that pays fairly well. My coworkers are very cool, and my boss is the best boss you could ask for. I worked for 8 days before I traveled to Seattle in order to help run the Penny Arcade Expo, an event that over 20,000 people from all over the country attended.

I ran the largest PC tournaments there and did so fairly flawlessly. It was a lot of stress, but I talked to the head PAX guys about next year (made some demands) and if I get my way (seems likely) then next year will be much better. I talked to a guy from Intel (one of the main processor manufacturers…all of the computers at school use Intel processors, for example) and may very well end up working with him down here in Salt Lake.

Upon returning, I’ve learned that my bike was stolen and that I need to line up another job soon. On the plus side, I’ve been reading still… House Of War is a good book. Too bad you don’t have the time to read it, because you’re gonna be busy “learning” at school, right? Public school is, by and large, a gargantuan waste of time and, in general, a fucking joke.

I talk to my brother daily, for the most part, and I have kept in touch with Mr. Michel. Tell me how AP World goes; it is my fault it exists, after all.

So that’s the gist of the who, what, when, and where of the equation. Hows and whys are tricky ;).

I suppose I’m doing okay down here. I’m relatively lonely, but that’s nothing new. I wish that I had been a better friend of yours when I was still in Bellingham — same goes for LyWa, too, who I haven’t really talked to since I left (I wrote her a letter she’ll never see…). I was really close to just giving up on everybody from Bellingham. It’s a part of me that I want to bury for a while and get on with anything else. But, for the most part, I’d always liked talking to you (even if we only ever had one good exchange and even if I could only work up the courage to try and hang out with you twice and even if I could never work out the courage to ever be very serious with you in person)… and as I said earlier in reference to someone else, I could use the friendship.

Why else would I be up at 3:10 AM?”

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Last night, I couldn’t sleep.

So I texted one of the only friends I had left, and said, I couldn’t sleep.

Even though I’d been awake for 30 hours or so, and even though I’d tried reading 40 pages of philosophy to take my mind off of what was bothering me.

Then I apologized and said, someday I would be a friend worth having.

And then my friend said, I already was.

I slept like a baby.

Thank you.