What is Dead Men Tell No Tales? It is a selection of (hitherto) undisclosed, private ruminations and epiphanies. Most take the form of (slightly) edited letters to unnamed recipients, but some have been scavenged from the depths of private journals recently rediscovered. Over the next little while (however long it takes – days, weeks, months, years?) I’ll be posting them in episodic fashion for the reading pleasure of my nonexistent audience.
In The Debate, our young, idealistic but morbidly depressed author – less than a month away from going to Marine Corps boot camp – is responding to careless statements made about his favorite movie (Fight Club) and his decision to enlist. Clarify is a clarification of the prior correspondence as well as an acceptance of a peace offering (and hopeful attempt to turn the discussion into a dialog).
Don’t get the impression that you’ve offended or hurt me on any deep, personal level. I am just so used to arguing and so used to shutting people down as effectively, efficiently and quickly as I can that I come across as a huge asshole. I was giving you some perspective into my head about the comments you were making – but at the same time I realize that you weren’t just trying to be mean for being mean’s sake.
I’m just a scared little boy who had to recede inside himself and replace his public persona with that of a tactiturn asshole to survive. Had to numb myself to the world and to my emotions – what do you think I’d be like if I actually DWELLED on my life and my past all the time? – to get by. And I steep myself in reality. I don’t shy away from things just because they are ugly or unpleasant.
Apology accepted. I’m glad you took the time and effort to not only try to change the debate into a dialogue, but to actually read and respond to my feelings. Pretty much nobody does that. Anytime I start to try and explain my upbringing, I instantly get nailed as being pessimistic and all that other nonsense. People are always trying to negate or diminish or write-off my feelings, often with a line of optmistic bullshit that won’t solve anything. (Please tell me how being blind and delusional about one’s problems leads to efficacy?)
I’m not very good – anymore – at this whole expression thing. Like I said, it’s been two full years since I’ve talked to anyone about how I feel, and even before then, I was rusty. It’s been six years since I’ve freely and openly trusted others. And it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I had any real friends.
I held off on responding immediately because you said you had more to say, and I didn’t want to interrupt your train of thought. But like I said, I’m not mad at YOU. Just mad in general 😉