I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to tighten the clamp of my social circle so much so as to squeeze out everyone but a handful of people, but I’m in one of those moods again.
I have about fifty friends left on Facebook and it feels like too much since I really only regularly talk to Kai. I’ve deleted many people on AIM – though in my old days I would have BLOCKED them too. I’ve gotten better about that, at least. They can still message me if they want, I guess, but that’s just the thing – they clearly don’t want to.
I spend a lot of time on OkCupid for no fucking reason at all. I have no idea what I’m looking for on there but it’s doubtful I’ll find it.
Alcohol is a bad idea for me, for it only heightens my sullen mood (which I enjoy, strangely).
I wish I were happy, not so much so that I could be happy, but so that certain people would like me. What a retarded statement – I clearly wouldn’t BE happy if I just wish I were happy so other people would like me, and their liking me probably wouldn’t make me happy either. This is clearly an example of me not knowing what I want.
I do know that if I HAD to travel back in time, I would change a lot of things. Given the option to travel back in time, I’m not sure that I would. Is that strange? I’d rather not have been born at all, to be completely honest, and sometimes I’d rather just be dead (though I’d never kill myself). Life seems like one big endurance test.