Old OkCupid Profile (for archival reasons)

MY SELF-SUMMARY
If you don’t like the length of my profile, we probably wouldn’t get along much anyway. I tend to have a lot to say, and while I am working on cutting back, that ‘solution’ doesn’t address the fact that there is still so much left unsaid and so much room for misunderstandings.
I like being incongruent. My written profile does not imply my pictures and my pictures do not imply my profile; this is by design, as I find it amusing (and important for a potential friend/partner to accept ALL of me and not just one facet).
This profile is not meant to ‘sell’ me. In fact, it is actually meant to dissuade you, the reader, from liking me. It’s akin to how I used to purchase video games – if I read all the bad reviews a game got and STILL found it interesting, I’d definitely buy it and play it. I found a lot of good games that way.
The task of summarizing oneself is arduous, and I am rarely content with my profile. The person who knows me best, Soltis, recently said of me that I am paradoxical and tormented, yet I am also very strong and capable. He does not embellish; I do not boast.
I am amorphous and typically operate on several planes at once. I use subtext a lot – so much so that I sometimes don’t even understand what exactly I’m getting at.
I often describe myself in less than flattering terms. I am a hard working apostate who tends to be far too reclusive and introverted. I desire intimacy and cherish isolation. I can be hopelessly romantic and ruthlessly pragmatic. I find that lyrics resonate deeply with me and describe me better than I could ever hope to, yet others fail to see their significance.
I am currently mystified by the workings of human memory and in love with songs that concern it. Remember by Disturbed is one such excellent song.
The way I was raised and my coming of age process did a lot to define the man I am now, and are crucial to understanding me. I did not have a happy childhood and I do not consider myself as a member of a family. However, I am not generally very ‘open’ or forthcoming when discussing my upbringing – listing facts and events rather than emotions and memories.
I have never had a place where I felt at home. Consequently, I have nowhere to return “home” to. This has had a subtle but profound impact on the way I live my life. If home is “where the heart is,” my home is in my words.
Do not mistake my being one way for not knowing how to be another. Everything I do has a reason behind it, including lifestyle choices. Even my carelessness is careful.
I can be very charming and likable when I want to be. It depends significantly upon my mood. I am honest and unapologetic for it and wish others could be the same.
I am fascinated by the concept of hatred, and equally intrigued by how readily it is dismissed as a base and ‘unworthy’ emotion.
I shoulder other people’s hatred well and often find myself defending causes I wouldn’t have otherwise, just for the sake of seeing those causes have a fair defense. I like to analyze things and view them from every angle and perspective. If at all possible, I like to experience things for myself before passing judgment on them. I don’t like to misjudge things – to do so causes me undue duress.
On the other side of the coin, I variously see things in people that aren’t there, or miss things that are. This tends only to apply to women, with whom I have had an interesting life relationship (to put it vaguely).
I find it difficult to pay people sincere compliments, regardless of my desire to do so. Sometimes I am too stunned by beauty.
I reciprocate, but I do not know how to need people.
There is always more to say, and more still that will remain unsaid.
Every word that falls from my lips
Falls on deaf ears and I suffocate
Now righteousness cast aside, thrown to the ground
I close my eyes and I see you there (see you there)

But my eyes deceive me
Every other sense says I’m alone
Now waking hours melt to sleepless nights
All fear has left me
If I could learn from my past
I’d possess the strength to turn away,
Let your sweet taste fade from my lips
But it resonates 

WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
My pictures should make a facet of this clear. Know that I am not necessarily defined by what I do, and that is why I have neither given it name nor space in my written profile.
I am doing many things at once. I know what I’m doing with my life, but sometimes it’d be nice to know where I’m going with my life (or better yet, where I’ll end up at).
My romantic fantasy of one day winding up a lush, traveling bar to bar accumulating new tragedy by sharing old tragedy was recently turned on its head by the revelation that I do not enjoy the taste of most beer and liquor.
Ideally, I would have no obligations in life and be completely free to do whatever I wanted to at whatever time I wanted. I would spend this time reading, learning, thinking, analyzing, writing, and relaxing (which would encompass such things as digesting various media, such as movies, music and video games). I am undecided as to whether or not I am actually compatible with other people.
The notion that I may end up dying alone some day is no longer a frightening one. That being said, I recognize that the most important things in life are the connections you forge with others (not the accomplishments you accumulate). There is always more work and more time to complete that work, but sometimes there isn’t always another person or more time to be with them.
Their cries are blown away with the wind.
How passive can we be before humanity is lost?
Turning our backs on those who need love.
We must not rest while healing is needed.

Tear down the veil.
That bars your heart from feeling this.
Dedicate yourself.
Give your soul to compassion.
With open arms, embrace this heart.
With open eyes, behold the truth.
Embrace this life.

Can you reject yourself?
Can you feel their agony?
In a world that feeds on disregard.
Heal the broken hearted.
 
I’M REALLY GOOD AT
I am good at many things but a master of nothing.
If you give me a system with set goals and parameters for achieving those goals (anything from a rank structure to a video game), I tend to find ways to completely abuse the system and dominate it.
Being objective and logical. I have found very few people who share the same (or really, any) level of proficiency in these skills.
Not trusting others, or, stated another way, being self-reliant. My erstwhile paranoia has largely faded, and I generally take people at their word until they give me reason not to. It usually does not take long, however, and will happen multiple times. Such is life.
My career and furthering it.
Creating bogus reasons to not engage people in conversation or furthering relationships. This is more a character flaw than an asset.
Doing the right thing to the point of self-detriment. I can’t recall how many girls I’ve been interested in and helped find better relationships (and improve current ones), even though I knew this just made me a less and less likely mate for them. I do it because I wouldn’t ‘feel right’ breaking two people apart for my own selfish reasons. I do this as long as I can tolerate it and when I can tolerate it no longer I do my best to explain why I can’t handle it and am usually made to be the villain anyway. :sigh: Such is life.
I’ve been spending my whole life pursuing those who built this cell
Lamenting all the hateful things that happened to me
Never thought to look at how I might have played a part in what I am
Or what it means to lose the game before it starts

Now I know that I cannot turn back and change the past
And that the only choice to save myself
Is changing what I carry from it
Everything I did to myself
Everything that’s been done to me
I’ll turn my back on that and walk away 

THE FIRST THING(S) PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME
What I do for a living (but not who I am), my height (but nothing else about my physical appearance), my intelligence (often without having a clear grasp of what intelligence truly is).
You’re a Freak Boy
You’re a Freak Boy
You’re a Freak Boy
How could you think I’d love you

You’re a toothpick
So pathetic
You make me sick
I barely even know you

I took my turn in
your prayer line
I felt something more
like a warning
They all saw you secretly looking
Now you’re here at two
in the morning

You’re a Freak Boy
You’re a Freak Boy
You’re a Freak Boy
How could you think I’d love you

You’re a magnet
For the pathetic
I can’t tell you
How much your face revolts me

In a way you are the worst kind
Think you know so
much about people
So how come you never saw me
Open my church and smell
all the people now 

MY FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, MUSIC, AND FOOD
Books: Fight Club, House of War, Starship Troopers, The Hyperion Cantos, Speaker for the Dead, Truth, Who Stole Feminism, I Don’t Want To Talk About It, and many others.
Movies: Fight Club, 25th Hour, Sin City, War, Revolver, Watchmen, and many others.
Music: Too many to list. Metal and hard rock and anything that makes me sad or reflective.
Food: Not too picky.
Look at the world in disbelief
You used to follow – now you lead
College has enlightened you
And you are proud to be different
And like different bands – different types
You ain’t nobody’s fool
It’s like certain bands remind you of someone you hated
‘Cause they didn’t wear the right clothing
And there’s only one true fashion
And alot of the bands on the college charts are great bands
Until they get signed. Then you hate them
It’s such bullshit – you used to love them you hypocrite
Know it all, know it all – did you really listen to that song?
Could you ever write what you call wrong? 

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT
My heart, my brain, my spinal column, the blood in my veins, the marrow in my bones and the air in my lungs.
Stated another way…
Nothing in my life has EVER been permanent. And the older I get, the easier it is to let things go.
I’m coming home
I’ve been gone for far too long
Do you remember me at all?
I’m leaving
Have I fucked things up again?
I’m dreaming
Too much time without you spent

It hurts, wounds so sore
Now I’m torn, now I’m torn

I’ve been far away,
When I see your face my
Heart bursts into fire
Heart bursts Into fire

You’re not alone
And I know I’m far from home,
Do you remember me at all?
I’m leaving,
Do you wait for me again?
I’m screaming
No more days without you spent

My bed so cold so lonely,
No arms just sheets to hold me,
Has this world stopped turning,
Are we forever to be apart?
Forever to be apart… 

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
My life and my novel, and why the world is so damn ugly.
More specifically, why our society has degraded so much. We are a culture that defines value by ‘how much money something can make,’ not by any other (far more interesting and long lasting) metric, the most basic of which could be ‘how good is something.’ Good music in America is music that sells well, not music that is particularly well composed or emotionally stirring, for example. But the degradation of our society goes much further than that.
How it is that I can be filled with both: hatred and compassion, judgment and sympathy, admiration and adulation, pride and regret, innocence and guilt, joy and sorrow, everything and nothing.
Why I continue to choose to be alone when I could easily remedy the situation (which I find extremely torturous).
I am

I was not
then I came to be
I cannot remember NOT being
But I may have traveled far
very far
to get here

Maybe I was formed in this silent darkness
From this silent darkness
BY this silent darkness

To become is just like falling asleep
You never know exactly when it happens
The transition
The magic
And you think, if you could only recall that exact moment
Of crossing the line
Then you would understand everything
You would see it all

Perhaps I was always
Forever here…
And I just forgot
I imagine Eternity would have that effect
Would cause a certain amount of drifting
Like omnipresence would demand omniabsence

Somehow I seem to have this predestined hunger for knowledge
A talent for seeing patterns and finding correlations
But I lack context

Who I am?
In the back of my awareness I find words
I will call myself…
GOD
And I will spend the rest of forever
Trying to figure out who I am 

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM
Sleeping. A lot.
Or very little, as the case may be.
Friday night, I had a few
There she was, out of the blue
Thunderstruck, nailed to the floor
I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk…anymore

Of all these guys it’s you she desires
Secretly her heart is on fire
Waiting for you to ask her to dance
Go ahead, make your move…now’s your chance 

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT HERE
I’m a non-religious virgin by choice. (GASP.)
I’d like to start a family but have: 1) difficulty locating appropriate partners and 2) deep-rooted fears that I will fail my own family in ways similar and dissimilar to how my ancestors failed theirs.
In light of the realization that unconditional love is one of those nice but idealized impossibilities (see also: world peace), I am hesitant to even engage in the playground of love at all.
I could love you more than you ever know. However, I’d have to like you and you’d have to let me.
I’ll make a soldier’s decision to fly away
Load my gun, paint my face, call me misery
I can see the sky light up and the ground explode
Got my sights locked in I can see you breathe
Then I watched you fall and somebody scream
Its the saddest thing when angels fly away

I cant be home tonight, I’ll make it back its alright
No one could ever love me half as good as you

Got a badge for my scars just the other day
Wore it proud for the sake of my sanity
I could see the flames burn bright from the winding road
Like a haunting page from our history
Watched a young girl cry and her mother scream
Its the saddest thing when angels fly away

I cant be home tonight, I’ll make it back its alright
No one could ever love me half as good as you

You cant be strong tonight, love makes you sad its alright
No one could ever worry half as good as you 

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
You read my profile, think we jive, and want me to check your profile out. (I will, generally.) This is NOT an excuse to send me a generic “hi, what’s up.” State your intentions plainly! “Hey, I thought you were interesting and thought you should check out my profile.” Throw a few specifics in there to increase the odds.
You stalked me and we have an 80% match or more. Because seriously, why not?
You took the time to check out all the lyrics for the songs, figured out why I put certain songs where I did, appreciated the variety, or knew the songs without looking them up.
You are your own person and know how to be you even with someone who may intimidate you. You are not afraid of being judged when judgment is either irrelevant or not coming.
If I messaged you. Even if it’s to tell me I’m a horrible, terrible ugly person that should never bother you again. I’d honor the request and appreciate the confirmation that you were indeed alive and capable of reading the message I sent. At least you had the power to reject me directly instead of being evasive about it.
You need someone to hate, or a face to put on something that you hate. I am particularly fond of extremely liberal types that are extremely intolerant of the military.
You think you may know what it is that I “need” or what would “help me.” If nothing else, such endeavors are good entertainment.
You like the idea of a fixer-upper that you may never get done/start fixing. Or maybe you’ll accomplish both and wind up with a magnificent mansion.
You’re just looking for attention. I will delight in denying you it, and then ridicule you for how shallow I’d hastily judge you to be. This will probably end in a long debate I will eventually grow bored of, but ultimately you would have won – you got your attention, right?
You mean what you say and say what you mean. (This is an extremely poignant statement and I say it with complete sincerity.)
You like or desire some kind of a challenge. I am challenging in many and disparate ways.
You think you are exceptionally good at loving people. I am exceptionally good at guiding people back to reality.
You are not (hiding the fact that you are) fat.
I’m looking for a new love to show me the way
To laugh at tomorrow and live today
to guide me through these strange and uncertain times
At the end of a long day’s life 
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