Recently (over the past eight months or so), I had been trying to ‘break out’ of my shell a bit and open up a little more to the world. Years of isolating myself had caused me to forget why I had been aloof in the first place; months of trying to be close to people reminded me why. People, in general, are just so very intolerable to me. They grate on my nerves, wear out my patience, and constantly disappoint and disgust me. They very rarely reason well and almost always have an extremely narrow viewpoint – unable to see and much less respect or understand opposing or opposite perspectives. It seems like nobody understands what facts are anymore, and nobody cares to learn the truth.
There are rare exceptions, of course. However, I am generally too abrasive for anyone, let alone these exceptions. To me, staying true to my ideals (honesty, integrity, pursuit of the truth) is more important than winning over new friends or potential lovers. It gets very tiring, however, always being on my own. Even as I type these words, I know that few people will read this blog – and it has never, in its five or more years of existing, reached its target audience. It is all the more frustrating that, while people disgust me, they can also captivate me with their incredible beauty. How can the same person be so revolting and so mesmerizing? There is beauty in everything, even death, and I am more attuned to beauty than I let on.
As I age, I grow ever more inward. People have suggested that I seek out therapy – as if I know nothing about therapy or what it can offer. I know what is wrong with me, I know why things have turned out the way they have, and I even know what I should be doing to “correct” my problems. The only thing I couldn’t do for myself is perscribe medication – but I don’t really believe in fucking with my brain chemistry when we still understand so very little about the way the brain operates (let alone our tenuous grip on how humans perceive reality).
I just wish the world were simpler, like you are led to believe it will be when you’re a child. I wish that I could tell someone that I love them, and that they wouldn’t have to doubt me or think that was weird or strange or harmful. I wish that I could heal all this hurt and pain I see every day. I wish there was something I could do to show everyone that the world doesn’t have to be so terrible all the time.
Why do people have to lie and mislead? Why can’t people just be honest? If you don’t like someone, tell them so. Don’t mislead them into thinking that you do just so that you can be thought of as “polite” and you don’t have to feel bad for diasppointing them. People need to get used to rejection and to the idea that sometimes, people are just incompatible. Everyone has preferences, and you can’t get too hung up on anybody. It’s all a numbers game anyway – with 6 billion people on the planet, odds are high that you will be able to find another friend or lover in someone else, anyway. You can’t do that, however, if you are being misled.
Ugh. Why bother.