Often times, I think I should take this blog down and do something more private – a journal, perhaps (or hell, just make another blog with a password on it – journals can be lost or destroyed, and a private blog seems a little more permanent). I often feel like because I’ve thrown this URL out there and sometimes people poke their head in, I have to be wary of what I say. Elsewhere, I tire of being misjudged and having to backpedal and explain myself, and sometimes people will just be out to prove their own misconceptions and not listen to the full side of your story anyway. So here, I feel like I’m a bit censored, even if I give lip service to how I’m very honest.
Every now and again, I get that one thoughtful comment from somebody that lets me know that they read my thoughts and it connected with them somehow – perhaps even in a meaningful way. This reminds me why I have these pages up in the first place: I really would enjoy feedback and discourse about the things I’ve written. I try to start up a conversation, but alas – it seems I must make do with just the one comment. Still, though, the comment is good, and I appreciate it (regardless of whether or not the comment agrees or disagrees with what I have to say – so long as it is apparent that my writing caused the author of the comment to do some thinking).
However, it’s no fun merely writing to a blank wall. It’s draining to put so much effort into thinking, reflecting, synthesizing, organizing, and writing and to not have the payoff I’d been hoping for. (This may just be related to faulty desire, however.) The task of writing can often be painful – especially the type of writing that seems to get the most feedback (my introspective works). To do such work and to be unable to discuss it with anyone is troubling – precisely when it was written to be discussed.
Privatizing (double entendre word score!) would eliminate the expectation that I could discuss what I have written, and thus make the lack of discourse easier to cope with. Perhaps I should start writing more for my “own sake” rather than as an attempt to converse. I’ve always been torn by this dilemma – I don’t enjoy writing for my own sake, but writing in order to strike up a conversation has never worked out for me either.
Alas. Don’t be surprised if this all becomes smoke one day soon.