Things have been irritating lately. I have been trying to sort them out on my own, as I have for most of my life. But what can I do?
I find communication with the female gender arduous, tedious and with paltry reward. The odds are already stacked against men, and I have been miffed to find that opportunists have been capitalizing on that (in a very specific and systemic sense – not just the prevalence of gold digging wives, for instance). On OkCupid, various web cam websites now host profiles written and operated by living people who seek out men on the site and chat with them, leading them into thinking that their profile was interesting or that the man is attractive. They then try to get the man to join one of these web cam sites during the conversation.
It is obviously a scam, yet at the same time, it must be working. Why else would these companies ostensibly hire people to do this on websites like OkC (as I’m sure OkC isn’t the only site these companies target)? Men already receive far less profile traffic and messages on dating websites, and are thus prone to responding to anything that comes their way. Even if the man doesn’t get roped into the scam, it is still disappointing or even hurtful to be led on, thinking someone has found you interesting when really they were only after your pocket book.
Again, I could tell the whole thing was a scam from the word “go” – the name (“prettysexyjulie”) gave it away, as did the profile – but I was expecting a bot when I got the IM. It was just surprising to see the tactics being employed, and all the more disheartening that men are now being preyed upon even more actively. Yes, let’s gouge those (often times) emotionally crippled and desperate human beings for cash, luring them in with dishonest prospect that the other gender finds them attractive and desirable!
Work is work and that’s always irritating, but I finally got back the ultimate word on my package to go to MSG (a process that’s been going on since March or April) – I was denied. The reason? I don’t have enough time in my MOS to establish enough credit. What this means is that some of the people I talked to when I was putting in my package out and out lied to me and told me false things, making me believe I could get accepted for the program and wasting my time and energy. And once again, I made the mistake of actually investing myself into the process and wound up desirous of the prospect, and am now disappointed that I am not going to go.
This disappointment and the emotional responses I am having to it only remind me of other disappointments and desires unfulfilled – there’s no one I feel I can properly talk to about this, that I would want to talk to about this. Furthermore, I am not allowed any time to be disappointed. I must keep marching forward and put on, if not a smile, then a neutral grimace – not just because I am a man but also because I am a Marine.
Why care about anything? Why become invested in anything? I have never been able to attain for myself the any of the things which I truly and deeply have wanted. This only leads to disappointment – not a trifling kind of disappointment, but a crippling and painful kind. So why want at all? Is it possible to rid oneself entirely of desire? I am very wary from all of the disappointment that has been heaped upon my life. I am weary. I feel I am growing weaker, like all of my energy, my very essence (if there is such a thing) is slowly seeping away from me as the years peel away and my desires continue to go unfulfilled.
It seems, upon first glance, there are two possible options: to curb my ambitions or to build a better support network. Neither option seems all that likely; I have tried to curb my ambitions in the past and ironically end up making them larger than what they were at the outset (ex: Become an infantry Marine curbed to becoming a maintenance Marine ballooning into becoming an MSG Marine); building a better support network requires a degree of trust that people are undeserving of due to empirical problems regarding reliability and the transience of all relationships. But to expunge from myself desire entirely? Is that even possible? It would solve both problems – without desire the scope of my ambitions would become irrelevant, as I would not be emotionally involved in them. And I would not need a support network at all; I would be able to sustain myself.
I just do not know if I am that strong of a person, though – that good of a stoic. I have never been a particularly strong person.