The way things are

So, on December 4th, I finally took down public access to my blog and transported it (yet again) to another address. This time, I made it so that I can’t just give out the address to my blog and have people reading it and start following it whenever they would like. It is not listed in any searchable space. A reader must log in with a valid email if they want to read – this greatly increases privacy and also makes it easier to control who does and does not read what I put down here.

Having a public blog was always something of an “experiment” I felt I was conducting. I wanted to see if I could get people who ostensibly cared about me to take it to that ‘next’ level, so to speak. It never worked. It was painful to repeat the same scenario over and over again – being told whatever lie (I am interesting, I am good at writing, said person wanted to know my thoughts, said person wanted to know my history, said person cared about what I had to think or so) and not having one’s actions match up with one’s words. Perhaps I simply expected too much of other people. In any case, this is no longer open to just anyone – and it’s likely I may make it a private place for “just me.” (EDIT: During writing, I deleted the one person with access to this. For future reference, there are very few people I would allow to see this at all. Kai, Nathan, Nick, James and perhaps Justin all come to mind.)

So what will I be doing now? When my blog was public, I tried to be as frank as possible, and write when the mood struck. At least, that was the intent. However, I was always hesitant to put my true thoughts and feelings out there because I was uncertain who would be reading them and how they would react. Also, it put me at an unfair disadvantage when it came to human relationships – someone could potentially know far more about me than I would know about them, and they would not understand the full context of the things they had read. The upshot of all of this was that the blog was only marginally useful to me, and didn’t fulfill the purpose it should have – which is to basically be a sort of journal.

Yes, a self-indulgent journal. My memory isn’t very good, and if I don’t write about certain events, I am likely to forget them. Sometimes I know this, and I avoid writing them because I -want- to forget them: they were painful or unpleasant or I just want to move on. However, this is also dangerous, considering I can’t ever FULLY forget events, and I end up remembering important details wrong, which has an impact on my relations with other people. I begin to resent people based on mental fictions and so treat them unfairly.

So, for the most part, this will probably be hopelessly boring. But here goes.

I spent Friday night out with a friend (Kyle) and some acquaintances (Schultz, Limon, et al.) for the purpose of celebrating Cpl Smylie’s departure from Okinawa on Monday. I tried calling Amber, who I met a few months ago during class on Kadena, to invite her in on the festivities. I’ve spent some time with Amber outside of class, first on a fishing trip with her and some of her co-workers to celebrate her 25th birthday, then again on Thanksgiving with some of the same coworkers. She described herself to me early on as “technically” married. She also doesn’t seem to take much interest in men older than herself. Yet, I get a lot of mixed signals from her. She is also certainly attractive to me (“my type,” if you will). I have mixed feelings about the whole situation, however, it’s never gotten to the point where it would result in anything bad. She’s kind and helps me get out of the drudgery of barracks life and always being around other Marines, and for that, she’s a welcome breath of fresh air. In any case, she wasn’t available to go because she was restricted to her home due to a medical condition.

So, it was just the guys. My group arrived somewhat ahead of the main entourage and quickly proceeded to get drunk – I had several large margaritas before the main group arrived. Once they arrived, I had a couple more margaritas and some other mixed drinks. Eventually, Griffo shows up with Delacerda. I had been anticipating her arrival. I think it’s mostly due to my lack of female interaction. She has a decent head on her shoulder, all things considered, and she’s kind of cute, but I really doubt she’s my type. Still, Okinawa has a reputation for distorting one’s taste in women, due to the horrible ratio of available women to available men.

In any case, I’m not really sure at this moment what I had been thinking at the time or hoping for, but I left unfulfilled. I was offered to stick around with Griffo and Delacerda, as they were waiting on Griffo’s friend to show up to celebrate her birthday. I declined, thinking it best to stay with my original party. They were going to go out to Gate 2 street and I figured “why not?” Perhaps I could catch up with Griffo later at the Surfside. However, as things went, Kyle and Schultz decided to go back to base and I went with them. We stopped at a bar right outside Kinser and had a couple of shots then walked (slowly) to the barracks.

Here I ran into Herrarte, who I stopped and talked to for a while. She is also cute but again I’m not sure if she’s my type. She has been sending me signals, basically telling me I am attractive and “beautiful,” but she’s in a relationship too. Oh, women. In any case, we talked for a while. Then I went to bed.

I didn’t do much over the next day. I started ripping all of my PS2 games to my laptop and I read a lot. I mostly read articles from Sirlin’s web page and game reviews by Shamus Young to see if I could rekindle some nostalgia.

Today I had a crisis where I thought I could not stand the Marine Corps anymore. It wasn’t spurned by anything (perhaps having to wake up at 0800 because Cpl Smylie had gotten so drunk he destroyed the furniture in his room, putting his flight date and rank in jeopardy). I think reading Sirlin’s articles on competitive gaming made me think back to my glory days with Unreal Tournament 2004 with fondness. I reflected on this throughout the day and discovered my sullen mood is largely my own doing. I am feeling depressed and unproductive. In order to combat this, I want to try out a new regimen to work on pull-ups (my only weakness in the Marine Corps, really) and incorporate more time at the gym. Additionally, I hope to put in a leave request by Friday so I can get some time back in the states somewhere.

My options include either going to see Ashley in MA (not really an option I’m sure of, for various reasons), going to see my brother in ND, or going home to WA. I’m not sure which I’ll wind up doing as of yet, but I’ve sent out probing messages to all the parties I’d care to see on leave, to try and figure out who’d make time for me. We’ll see what happens. I’m not sure why I don’t want to see Cara. That’s something I’ll have to think about and reflect on in the days that come.

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