Here’s the problem

Most of life’s difficult questions are irrelevant to me. People worry endlessly about whether or not God exists, what career one should choose, if one has truly found the love of one’s life, if a given investment was truly wise, how to make more money, how to make less money, how to be happier, how to find love, how to find contentedness, and on and on.

I can’t even figure out if I want to be alive.

This isn’t a suicidal impulse. It’s merely an unwillingness to be alive. Rather than wishing to kill myself, I instead wish I could just wake up dead. If given the chance to go back in time and decide to “do it all over again” or choose to not be born, I would choose not to be born. I resolved a very long time ago, however, that I would not kill myself, if only for logical reasons – it is impossible to know what lays around the corner, what could happen. This is a true regardless of my disposition or attitude towards the unknown future – we cannot be guaranteed with certainty about the outcome of future events. They are impossible to fully predict, even if we can discuss likely outcomes. More and more, though, I wonder how much of life is fated, to one extent or another.

Since I can’t figure out if I want to be alive, I can’t figure out what I want from life. Sometimes I think I want one thing, and at the drop of a hat, that thing is no longer appealing. A recent example: just yesterday I was convinced I should take some leave. Now, I see it as pointless. None of the options sound all that appealing anymore because I feel as though I’d just be chasing fantasies and false hopes. I’d sooner go to some area of the country I’ve never been before and drink myself into oblivion each and every night. At least that would be a brand new experience – who knows what could happen? The other options don’t seem to offer anything new.

I think part of this (lack of desire to go on leave) is fueled by my irrational disappointment in Ashley’s lack of a response so far. For whatever reason, I really like her. I don’t have much reason to – I’ve never met her, we’ve only corresponded a few times and had a few chats (compared to some other people I’ve talked to). She seems compatible, but then again, I doubt I am truly compatible with anyone. In any case, I had written her off a while ago – August or earlier, perhaps – because we didn’t seem to be talking at all anymore. I couldn’t abide being regulated to whatever position I’d been placed in, only being talked to when she wanted it and never getting a reason as to why she would not respond to any of my attempts to establish a line of communication. (Even a simple “I don’t like you!” would have sufficed. At least I’d have some closure.)

In any case, she recently messaged me over, of all things, XBox Live, and wondered why I had deleted her Facebook. We exchanged a few pleasantries over chat and then she suggested I email her over Facebook again. I do this, she replies, I reply, and then deadlock. I try to catch her for some follow up chat over the next couple evenings but to no avail. I send out the message saying that perhaps I could come visit her – she had expressed interest in that in the past, and perhaps it was hopeless of me to assume she maintained that interest in the interim – and no reply.

Allyse was the first to respond, even before my brother. She’s always so kind. I do like her a lot, too – perhaps more than Ashley – and I have liked her a long time. The problem is, I know she’s not interested in me ‘that’ way, and that I must always endure the dreaded ‘friend zone’ with her. I usually do not like being friends with people. I feel like I have more to offer them than they have to offer me. I do not feel this way about Allyse, however. I feel like she deserves everything I have to give her, if she would take it – if only because she is one of the only people (particularly women!) who have been consistently and routinely kind to me throughout the years, without reason to be.

I don’t really feel like seeing my brother again. I dunno.

Today at work, I talked about competitive gaming with Sgt. Benson and the possibility of starting a business doing that. He seemed interested but I doubt anything would ever really get off the ground with it. I didn’t do much around the shop – tried calibrating a Christie, but the MI wasn’t installed so I had to reject it to repair. I spent the rest of the day OJTing Sgt. Benson on multimeters, then I went to class. Amber looked great. Sigh.

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