The OkCupid Chronicles: Bitches Be Triflin’

The bitches - they always be triflin'

In the first of what may become a series here at In Mala Fide, I’d like to regale you with tales of my experiences on the dating website “OkCupid.” I think the site is awful and stupid, and I have thought so for a long time. However, one of my best friends has used it almost since its inception and swears by it. When I was deployed over to Okinawa and realized the severity of the sausage fest I’d gotten myself into, I decided, well, why the hell not? This decision, like most of the decisions I’ve made in life, would prove to be awful.

In about six months I managed to rack up over 300 significant (ie., more than just me telling a broad off because she was fat or a single mom or more than just a broad telling me off for being an insensitive cock hole) conversations, yet found no suitable matches. I was suddenly reminded why, exactly, I had been ignoring women in the first place. After an initial serious business phase, I proceeded to do on that site what I generally do on any site: troll and cause butthurt.

I am still regularly messaged by women, though usually they’re quite obviously “not my type.” For one, fat women love to message me still, even though my profile is highly narcissistic and I come across as callous and shallow. I oscillate between messaging these women back with signature “wit and charm” and ignoring them completely; both can lead to humorous results (the latter being more desperation-enhanced). Single mothers are my next favorite group of frequent messengers – looking for a stable guy with a good head on his shoulders and money in his pocket to fix all of their terrible mistakes, complete with some other douche’s kid. Sign me up! Or not. Asians in general message me too – big white guy in the military? Yes prease!

Rarely (and I mean, very rarely) there will be a message in my inbox from a woman who doesn’t weigh 400 pounds, doesn’t already have a child, and passes most or all of my other immediate disqualifiers when it comes to browsing a profile on a dating site. (Here’s one: don’t post a pic of gratuitous cleavage and then caption it something like “DON’T STARE AT MY TITS YOU PIGS LOLOL” you solipsistic hags. ) Yet more infrequently, they’ll send something beyond a “wink” (a stupid meaningless feature for people who are so socially inept they can’t even message other people on a site designed for messaging people), and if the moons and the stars align in just the right phase, there may even be a hint of intelligence or wit in their message.

One such woman messaged me recently, around Valentine’s Day, and this is the story of our extremely brief acquaintance. She started off with a little bit of sass, remarking that I was incredibly well-read “for a Marine,” which actually isn’t a good foot to start on (the whole “Marines are stupid LOL” angle is way overplayed). But she passed my visual inspection and she was messaging me, so I give her a little of the ole’ back and forth. The conversation is about petty inconsequential bullshit (military and books), but I couldn’t really care since she’s halfway across the country and my odds of filling the gaping void where her penis should be with some penis are real, real low. After a while, she asks about my writing and what I’m doing with it.

I suppose I could have directed her to some of my work on The Spearhead – I’m sure she would’ve enjoyed my proposition to turn all women in the military into prostitutes or my piece on abortion – but my military therapists suggest I should be more “open” with people, so instead I linked her to one of the pieces on my personal site about why I am being medically retired from the Marine Corps. I think it was specifically this one, which is where the “action” (so to speak) begins. I don’t hear from her for a couple of days, so I figure she’s either actually reading the damn thing, or she poked around the rest of the “Internet Hate Machine” and figured out I’m a big misogynistic jerk.

Turns out it was the former, as she messages me back and wants to continue talking through something more convenient – like email or chat. Of course, she couldn’t be bothered offering any addresses or screen names herself, because that wouldn’t make any sense when you’re inviting someone to communicate via another medium. Women. Anyway, I kill two birds with one stone and give her one of my gmail accounts, telling her she can either email me there or use Gtalk. Some time passes and she starts chatting with me.

Right away she wants to know a lot of really personal details about what happened and why it happened. I respond, I think, as any regular person would – “Bitch, I don’t even know your first name and you want to know my deepest secrets? As the kids say, slow your roll.” She kept pressing me for details and I told her she could more or less wait like the rest of everybody else who cares (read: the two or three Marines who’ve been reading my drivel since the day I started writing it). I change the subject by talking about less personal and slightly more trivial things – like music. The learning curve on my mental malfunction is a lot higher than I estimate this harlot’s mental faculties can truly appreciate and if there’s one thing I hate to waste when I’m wasting my time, it’s my time.

She begins talking about how much she can offer a “real man” and how she thinks I fit her ideals of “real men.” Pause. What is it with Asian bitches and their fascination with real men? I’ve been noticing a trend with them lately – is it just me? Anyway, I directly ask her what more than a vagina she brings to the table, but her answers were as vague as my intentions. She tried to play up her listening skills and empathy (which were quite poor) and her college degree. A poet once remarked, “I can’t put my fist in your college degree so why are you sharing all these feelings with me” and that’s more or less my stance on edu-mah-kated women.

Eventually, she wants to know my dating preferences, or something of the sort. So I mention that I generally hate “intellectual” chicks, because they’re always trying to defeat me in an argument in order to feel good about themselves. Probably about five minutes after I finish explaining this, she starts up a stupid argument. She says she feels (note the irony – feels) I am illogical. I say, “Well that’s interesting. Have any argument as to why that may be the case?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Looking at these ideas that you’re writing about on your site, well, they don’t make a whole lot of sense. I don’t think they’re very logical.”

“Oh,” I respond. “So you mean to say that time a year ago when I went MENTALLY INSANE, I was illogical? You should be a fucking detective. Got anything else?”

She argues with the intellectual ferocity of an eight year old about how if I’m writing about these ideas now, it must mean that I really believe in them. She must’ve never heard of therapeutic writing or journaling or have any idea how memory works. I tell her, “Hon, if I really believed in these ideas, I’d be starting a cult based on the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.”

This really pisses her off, because she thinks that I am implying ALL Christians are cultish (about the Second Coming, or just in general, she never made it clear and I didn’t care to find out). After maybe five minutes trying to explain how my statement had nothing to do with what ALL Christians believed or thought or cared about and how she was projecting her own delusions on to me, I gave up. I asked if there was any reason for us to continue talking, she said no, I said “Best of luck,” blocked her, and never looked back. I’m told not all women are like that, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

The end.

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “The OkCupid Chronicles: Bitches Be Triflin’

  1. That’s the best laugh I’ve had in at least a week or more…probably more.
    I’ve been there and it’s so true…

  2. I tell her, “Hon, if I really believed in these ideas, I’d be starting a cult based on the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.”

    This really pisses her off, because she thinks that I am implying ALL Christians are cultish

    I love when people do this – speaking of illogical. I don’t call that site OKStupid for nothing. My experience of it is that most people are seriously lacking in intelligence, or maybe the intelligent ones (like you) steer clear of women with kids, for which I can’t really blame them.

    [Author: I tend to stay away from single mothers. I like kids but I want to raise my own, thanks.]

  3. Is it possible you found no suitable matches because you aren’t suitable? [Author: I state in my profile that I am single and giving up in part because I am a misanthrope and a misogynist. I’m unsuitable for keeps.] Or maybe your bad luck stemmed from being in Japan. Who knows. I’m sure it’s a close call.

    I use OkCupid (well I did until I met my current gf). But I live in a major East Coast city. I must say, the women on the site were mostly attractive and reasonably intelligent. Of course my gf, who I met off the website, lived in the Phillipines for the first 15 years of her life. Maybe that’s why I can tolerate her.

  4. Yes, the ego-trippers abound on these sites, basking in the male attention, knowing full well they have no intention of following through.

    This is a key word of advice: only apply your energy in small increments, increasing according to the woman’s replies. Do not introduce yourself with anything more than ‘hi’ or a small observation. If she is interested after checking your profile out, she’ll message back. If no response, you didn’t was your time.

    Getting to the next stage, actually hooking up, is also tricky and I wouldn’t advise ‘doing the coffee’ thing unless you’re sure there’s some attraction between the two of you. Remember, woman can be very deceitful, leading you along just to feed their ego, make you dance on their string.

    Best is to put your desires out there early on. If she finds something in you she likes, she won’t take offense and will appreciate your directness.

  5. Best interbutts hookup thing for Asia is ublove. Use ublove. And don’t fuck Asian American women; they’re as bad or worse than any other kind of American nerf experiment.
    Best interbutts thing for US sluts is or at least was one of the ones hooked up to nerve.com’s personals. Salon and the onion’s personals and who knows what else are also hooked up to it. The women you meet on it will all be psychology grad students, and therefore, sluts (and psychotic).
    Best interbutts thing for actually meeting a girl who doesn’t make you want to chew your arm off to get away is match.com. I’ve actually met a few good ones on there. Excepting for a Brazilian, all the good ones were Russians. Mostly a waste though.

  6. I had an OkCupid profile for about two weeks and wound up banging a single mom. Didn’t spend a dime on her, never met her kid or even asked where she lived. Not a bad deal for zero investment, but it certainly wasn’t a long-term bet.

    Online dating is certainly no replacement for face-to-face game skills, but it might be worth firing up another profile as a side method of meeting new girls. Then again, I’m a big fan of going on dates with fucked up chicks just for the story, and online dating is precisely the location to pan for a few gold nuggets of crazydom.

    [Author: I have plenty of life experiences tales as well. Like enlisting!]

  7. There really needs to be a counter-strike against this “I feel…” bullshit, and soon. The amount of folks disclaiming every one of their “personal opinions” w/”I think…” has probably halved within the last year alone.

    We can concentrate on dropping the self-marginalization altogether after we’ve exorcised the emoting demon; our society is not ready to return to confident, objectively direct assertion just yet.

  8. My advice is to learn all you can about BPD. It might seem like a joke, even a cosmic joke, in certain contexts, at your age, but there is a lot more to it than that.
    See, I read your story about your difficulties in the USMC. The whole thing. It was a Text-Book perfect presentation of a disease with a formidable mortality rate..

  9. 1. Well, yes, you are self-absorbed.

    2. Even when you became mentally unconventional, and the people around you regarded you as insane, you were still logical. You were just operating in a logical system that no one around you could use properly.

    Whether you end up studying math or philosophy or both, you’re going to love your logic courses. You’re going to be excellent at it.

    3. It’s not that Marines are stupid – it’s that the military habit of blind obedience takes intelligent men and turns them into self-destructive anti-thinkers. Fred Reed has some choice quotes about this, and I will be analyzing Reed and other ex-warfighters who turned against war in the near future.

  10. @J. Durden – I’ve got a couple of Marine buddies that have amazing stories from their time in the military. One of them watched a Thai stripper pull a live bullfrog out of her vag during her dance routine. Make sure you share a few of your stories with us – I’m sure you’ve seen some crazy shit that will make for a great read.

    @ The Private Man – You’re quite welcome. Just read through your primer and it looks like solid advice regardless of age group. When I was on OkCupid I didn’t message anybody. I just set my profile up and see if they came to me. If/when I get around to trying again, I’ll put some of your knowledge to the test.

  11. Pingback: Game in the Time of Mind-Numbing Stupidity | delusion damage

  12. @ J. Durden
    I dissected a bit of your article as an example in this post:
    http://delusiondamage.com/2011/03/11/game-in-the-time-of-mind-numbing-stupidity/
    If I interpreted something wrong and it wasn’t actually like I’ve described it, just let me know and I’ll fix it.

    [Author: Thanks for the heads up. I don’t think there’s anything to fix per se; I responded on your blog post. Basically I forgot to include a detail in this post that was in my original draft for The Spearhead – I wasn’t TRYING to game her, because she lives in Chicago and I live in San Diego. She was angling for a long term commitment she clearly wasn’t worth.]

  13. I think perhaps the manosphere is a little tough on single moms. Sure some are just off the cock carousel looking for a free ride from a beta. I have met some really nasty single moms to be sure, but if I had excluded all single moms, I would have excluded my current girl who I happen to think is the best woman I’ve ever met. I’m 6’2″ 36 years old and in really great shape and have good game – I could and have pulled younger hotter and tighter. Don’t automatically dismiss a woman because she has a kid – ok, two kid or more be my guest. You may be missing out – really.

  14. Found my wife here in 5 minutes. She had 0 miles on the odometer when I picked her up at the dealership :

    vietnamcupid.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s