This post was originally written by hand just hours before I checked myself into a psychiatric ward for the fourth (fifth if you count an ER visit that was over in one night) time, for suicidal ideations. Additional commentary not in the original handwritten manuscript will appear [in brackets].
[1 John:7-9]: But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of
Jesus ChristYeshua Messiah His son cleanses us of all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
[Your sins need only be confessed to the Holy Father, AHYH ASR AHYH or YHWH, in order to be forgiven. However, it can be edifying to confess your sins to fellow Christians, and that is why I have written this post. I hope you can join in my example and confess your sins publicly in the comments below, and feel the freedom it brings.]
I have sinned. When I was young, I came to hate my mother. Though I understood she had come from a massively abusive home and left at an early age; though I understood her first husband had left her to raise her first son on her own; though I understood she supported me and my sister on her own without child support from our father (her second husband), I could not forgive her the harsh words she spoke to me. I refused her love and refused to love her. And now I ask — Lisa, will you forgive me of this?
I have sinned. I have dishonored my father. I have spoken harsh words about his financial stewardship and refused to seek him out because he refused to seek me out. [I harbored bitterness and resentment for the way he seemingly abandoned our family.] I have refused his love and refused to love him. And now I ask — Ross, will you forgive me of this?
I have sinned. I have in my heart of hearts hated my siblings. I hated my sister for her attitudes and life choices. I have hated my brother [— the only true family I felt I ever had] for his words, actions, and faults. I have refused their love and refused to love them in turn. And now I ask — can they forgive me of this?
I have sinned. I have hated my friends, my peers, my colleagues and my coworkers. I have hated their opinions, glorying in my own; I have hated their lack of knowledge, glorying in my own; I have hated their works, glorying in my own. I have refused to love them and refused their love in turn. And now I ask — can they forgive me of this?
I have sinned. In my heart of hearts, I have hated my leaders and supervisors [to include my doctors], taking pride in my own mind and thinking myself better than they. I have refused their counsel and despised their wisdom, thus refusing their love and refusing to love them. And now I ask — can they forgive me for this?
I have sinned. I have borne false witness, lusted after women, indulged in alcohol and pornography, lied, sewn hatred, prophesied falsely, worshipped idols, bowed my knee to Satan, knowingly refused the love and calling of the one true God (AHYH ASR AHYH is his name) and I am sure many other things. In fact, I have sinned every single day of my earthly existence. And now I ask — who among you can forgive me these sins?
I have sinned. My best friend in the entire world, who loved me when my family could not, taught me how to write, taught me how to reason, looked after my home while I was in the wilderness, took ownership of my finances yet stole nothing for himself… in my heart of hearts I hated him and cast him out because he would not accept “Jesus Christ” as his Lord and Savior. I refused his love and refused to love him back, and now I ask — Kai, can you forgive me for this?
I have sinned. I have hated myself and uttered vile deceptions about myself. I have convinced myself I was evil, unlovable, ugly, putrid, vile, hateful, [weak], [stupid], and without redemption. Satan deceived me into reveling in these ‘truths’ while I rejected AHYH ASR AHYH and his Truth. I have refused the love freely given by the one and true living God in the universe, and refused to love him back. Can I be forgiven this?
I have sinned. I have composed this entire document savoring an old favorite sin of mine — a Lagavulin with one ice cube. It tasted vile and burned as it went down – just as it should. It cost $16 and for $35 I could sponsor a needy child’s education, food, water, and healthcare in the third world for an entire month. This sin was not as pleasurable as I remembered it being.
He who has not sinned, let him cast the first stone. Of those who’ve refused to cast stones… who will forgive me?
Debate to understand
That we all have a flaw
Then fail to represent
Your life as you know it
God grant you one wish
To turn back the time
Correct and create,
Making sense of…