23 Kislev 5775

12:19 PST

Slept in again (10:30 PST). No good excuses. Going to wrap up what little is left of picking up around apartment. [Pastor]’s son never got the TV yesterday.

Meditated on the law of reciprocity last night – “you reap what you sow.” Also recalled a conversation I had with [Pastor] some time ago, the upshot of which was just because you might be forgiven your sins by confessing to and profession Yeshua, that doesn’t mean you won’t still have to deal with the consequences of your sins. Having reflected on these two things, it was easy to understand why I no longer had people I could talk to at all hours about anything.

Yesterday, I took the advice of (I believe it was Ghandi) and started to be the change I wanted to see in the world. So, I reached out and called or (ugh) texted as many in the [church] community as I could for prayer or to just see how they were doing. I will be the first to admit that my prayer life isn’t at where it probably should be. Though, as I wrote yesterday (I think I wrote it anyway), YHWH knows how excellent he is. I get the sense that he would rather I spend an hour applying his principles than supplicating Him, though this may just be a spirit of self-justification and self-righteousness rearing its ugly head. Likewise, I don’t feel compelled to spend much or any time petitioning for my own needs, as I know the provider YHWH-Jireh has that covered too. That leaves intercession, which is where I spend most of my time. That, and of course, repentance.

I have always been desirous of intimate (not just the physical sense) relationships. I didn’t always recognize and appreciate theo nes I had, and often I would do a lot of introspection and brooding. Lately, I have been lamenting this lack somewhat, though I think the Father, Son, and Ruach Qodesh might be leading me into a season of depending upon them for intimacy. This, however, is not being said as an excuse for me to shut others out (as I have seen some do!), since the scriptures do instruct us that we are misled if we think we can love our invisible creator and not love our brothers (1 John).

Looking forward to receiving ISR translation.

17:20 PST

Made some progress with apartment. Found my old iPod, listening to [Spock Beard’s] Snow, just like before I left for Utah. Found the text of the Request Mast, also. Now it can live on in eternal perpetuity on some Google server.

Derek aka Fignuts will be taking the PC – and hopefully all related video game paraphernalia – off my hands tomorrow. I feel a little bad about making him drive [approx 4 hours] but at the same time he’s getting what was a $5,000 computer last December for free.

Memories of high school and burned bridges. Do most people even grow beyond their high school mentalities? Perhaps. Interestingly, found a post card from Kelsey in my things. Received while I was a patient at NMCSD. I suppose I should be glad I’ll never be in the headspace to understand why I treated her the way I did. She’s in [redacted] now, I think. Reached out to Sam who is in Portland and Sara who is in Olympia – won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from them.

This lyric… “Got a lot of heart ache I don’t show… what it’s like you’ll never know… to be the solitary soul” That’s a big lie. We pretend as if no one can understand us nor has anyone gone through what we’ve gone through in order to justify our defense mechanisms and walls.

It’s interesting to think about our interconnectedness. What I mean by this… I might spend an hour at a restaurant and eat some food. But for some, that food represents the culmination of their life’s work – the business owner, anyway. I like to imagine that the people preparing it also take pride in it though that isn’t always necessarily the case. Either way, the people of the restaurant spend their day to day lives engaged in the business of something we casually consume and think little on.

If this seems disjointed, it is a bit, because I’m dining. I don’t know if my departure feels “real” yet, but it isn’t the first time I’ve set out either. I’m leaving behind a lot of stuff, but you do that for boot camp. I’ll be interested to see how these “mixed dorm” hostels work out. If I am “afraid” of anything it’s meeting people who don’t want to talk and who just don’t care. About anything.

I was trying to think of Biblical characters to model on this journey. The only analogy I can think of is when Paul became the missionary to the Gentile nations. Even then it’s not the best fit. I am like unto a Roman through and through, touring the Empire, supposing I can say a thing or two about Yeshua only rarely (and not recently) having had the power of the Ruach Qodesh work through me such that others felt and could not deny it. Does that make me a pretender, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I notice many are eager to claim they are speaking “for the LORD,” but the Word is clear that teachers and preachers will be held to account for every word they utter – for good or ill – above and beyond the average person’s reckoning.

Would like to finish clean up and sorting and maybe evne try for the gym for the first time in forever tomorrow. Plus switch over to primarily liquid diet. I see my Doctor on Friday, [Nurse] tomorrow I think. Before returning home I might drop by Starbucks and read a bit (poor reading light at Banbu outside). My handwriting seems to be less sloppy than on the first day, so that’s something. Been holding off on telling landlord until the apartment is in a more showable state.

[Later…]

Hate this Starbucks music.

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