Three Important Disciplines

I left my house at 1000 or so and didn’t return until 0209, so I didn’t really have much of a chance to write anything today. Just out, as I claim to be (and whether you find me true in this claim is certainly up for debate) “living the Kingdom of YHWH now.” So, as situations arose and other people needed things, I obeyed, and that chain of obedience didn’t end until just now.

That being said, if I had to write about any of the disciplines that kept me sharp out there in the field, I’d say that there were three important ones I practiced – forgiveness, reconciliation and unity.

Why, as a body, does it seem like we’re always focusing on what’s wrong with one another and seeking to correct that? If a person has a ten point argument, and 5 are good points and 5 are bad, imagine what happens when you only focus on the negative ones and say nothing about the positive ones. You’re immediately reinforcing the negative points and causing the person to become defensive about them and SEEK OUT REASONS TO CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN THEM rather than something more edifying. If you disagree with something, IGNORE IT, and then affirm what you DO agree about. The points people receive positive feedback for are the ones they’re going to develop further, focus on, and continue to talk about (since people like them)!

All three of the disciplines are at work in the paragraph above. Anyway, I understand this is a shorter post but I feel I’ve said all that really needs to be said, and while I might be able to lay all of this out with exact scriptural addresses for you to find it in…why not apply the scriptural discipline of testing the spirits for yourself, and seeing whether what the spirit is telling you about what I am saying can be confirmed through the witness of the 4000 year testimony of the Old Testament and the 2000 year old testimony of the New Testament?

And then, how about we come into more agreement by encouraging each other, working together, building each other up, and connecting… truly becoming “The King’s Church International?”

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A Christmas Miracle

This is another piece I hammered out with a keyboard. Forgive me. I’ve been so busy recently I haven’t had the free time to myself as much to sit down and write the old fashioned way. First thing’s first: I was convicted by Proverbs 23:23 and Matthew 10:8 and realized I should not at all be charging a dime to people for them to access what I have written. If however THEY feel for whatever reason that they want to contribute to my life, I am leaving the patreon up (the same way you might see a paypal link on a twitch stream or something). At some near-future date I may also convert this wordpress domain into a “legitimate” one.

Anyway. I have had a tremendous battle going on for the greater part of five years concerning being diagnosed “Bipolar Type I” according to the wisdom and ways of man (and thus being treated in that same wisdom) and contending for the truth of the spiritual realities behind that diagnosis. I won’t go super into depth about it because it’s a topic a lot of people are very passionate about, but I will say that I was healed in the same way Yeshua would go about healing anyone.

I’ve been off my meds for about 7 months. I’ve been sort of “white” lying about it, to the VA and to some other people, just to avoid any number of things I had fears and worries about – ending up in the ward again, having my benefits cut off, all of those things. I realized I couldn’t go out and do the sorts of things I wanted to do nor accurately proclaim to the world that I am living in the Kingdom of YHWH and that the truth had set me free unless I rectified this situation.

The first thing to do was to honor the contractual agreement that I had with the VA, which I signed, which required me to “take medications as proscribed by my psychiatrist.” And so to honor that I contacted my assigned nurse and left a voice mail explaining that I was having symptoms in the natural that might lead a doctor who understands the theory of Bipolar Type I to be concerned that a “manic episode” was incoming. I said if I didn’t hear back from her, I’d check myself into the ER at the VA hospital after a church service last night (12/24).

She called me back a few hours later and we verbally re-negotiated my contract (with the understanding it was never legally binding in the first place) such that my treatment plan now includes no clause about needing to be on medications. Moreover, the VA understands my position that I do not think I am “disabled” nor that I should be the recipient of benefits afforded “disabled” persons, but has decided to continue to bless me with them for the time being.

There may come a day when I am found “0% disabled” and my benefits are cut off, and I have full faith in the father to provide for me no matter where I am or what I am doing (Proverbs 3), so I do not fear that day. In a way, I kind of look forward to it.

What was your Christmas Miracle this year?

28 Kislev 5775

1500 PST

Forgot to honor the Sabbath, which is another habit I need to revive.

Spent some time in the Word, but was also engaged in some fruitful correspondences. Read some of my old pieces from In Mala Fide because I was interested in the comments (a lot of the comments on many – maybe all – my Spearhead posts are now gone). I had made a greater impact than I gave myself credit for, and also followed the rabbit hole down through someone who expressed interest in my writing just as I was ceasing from it. [Ed note: I have uploaded the four pieces that I wrote which were published on In Mala Fide, comments more or less intact, for those seeking more context to this post. Just check out this category to see them.]

A lot of truths [my Pastor] teaches, I had known (if not in whole at least in part) before even meeting him. I liken the situation almost to Romans 2:14-16, though in truth I had learned, internalized, and never fully abandoned some scriptural principles beginning from a young age. Where I missed the mark was in some of the conclusions I drew, as well as properly identifying, discerning and dividing the truth from sweet sounding deceptions [Hebrews 4:12] (which I have written more in depth about previously).

This man that I found has – bless his heart! – chosen to stay true to the narrow path. He was reaching out to me just as he began his own journey, to choose whether ot hold fast to the faith and principles he had grown up with or follow down the seductive paths of nihilism and hedonism that the red pill manosphere offers young, intelligent, lonely but otherwise extremely capable and talented men. Given the choice between the promise of ridicule and loneliness for virtue’s sake or the offer of, essentially, on-demand sex through mastery of the arts of seduction, he made the choice few indeed would make. From what I have read of him, he certainly deserves the following he has attracted and his commitment to physical as well as mental and spiritual discipline puts me to shame.

I pray earnest that, on his path to truth, the temptations of the flesh would not stumble him as they have me. I also pray he can receive revelation of YHWH’s names and attributes, to be blessed by the increased intimiacy such precious knowledge and wisdom allows I pray too that his understanding of the essential Jewish qualities of the savior and messiah I know he wishes to serve with all his heart, mind, soul and strength would grow and increase in this season we are entering. If I am to be the one to shout YHWH’s name in the wilderness (of the manosphere remnant) in accordance with the prophecy of Isaiah 40:3-8, then I pray for repentance (to change my thinking according to the seed of truth you have sown in me that I might bear fruit through my actions) so I may one day have the same boldness and authority as the man prophesied to carry out that task in the scriptures. And if I am the natural voice that this man I am praying for is to hear in order for his spiritual ears to receive the deposit of the Ruach Qodesh – the very breath of Elohim, of YHWH, which gave life to the adamah (dust of the Earth) to the first adam (man, Adam) – then Amen and Selah! Not my Words but yours, Adonai – nor my glory but instead yours. I know in my spirit you have called him to great responsibility and he will have a huge impact on the King’s Harvest. Amen!

In other developments, I launched my Patreon, and transcribed all that I have written so far. I have been able to resist temptation and tame my flesh for at least a few days. Perhaps another Confession of Sins is in order should I succumb?

Undoubtedly some will read what I have been writing, having come from my Facebook link to this project and think, “Well, he is headed for straight for the loony bin again.” This is because what people have come to expect from mainstream Christianity is, in fact, insane! Prove to me in the scriptures that we should have blind faith! Prove to me in the scriptures that we should erase all of El Elyon’s names (and thus attributes) and only know Him by two titles! Prove to me that the power of YHWH’s son’s name is in the Greek rendering “Jesus” and not in the Hebrew “Yeshua” or “Yohoshua” he was known by! When you pray in the name of Jesus – WHO ARE YOU PRAYING TO? I am not likely to respond to the name of Juan* – nor am I likely to appreciate you insisting upon calling me that when I’ve told you my name – simply because it is more comfortable for you! Why do we think it is any different for YHWH, Yeshua or the Ruach Qodesh?

*Special exception exists for the men and one lady of the 2009-2010 Okinawa Calibrations platoon, from whom Juan is in fact a high term of endearment.

2200 PST

Lots to write about. Spent 4 hours with [a friend I met in a college course locally]. First few hours were great, but (not to imply things ended unwell) towards the end we hit a wall that we always do.

At first he was pleased to just hear me share about the reasons why I feel compelled to do what I will be doing, but then he began to ask perfectly fair and reasonable questions of me. I tried to make it clear that neither I, nor truly the words of ANY man, would be able to satisfy the burden of evidence he desires – the exact same evidence I wish to also see for myself! Moreover, because I ONLY have my human intellect and perhaps some outward fruits of the Ruach Qodesh (Galatians 5:22-23), but haven’t completely conquered the sins of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21), I haven’t even the most fundamental of the MANIFESTATIONS of the Ruach (1 Corinthians 12-14). And not having those, if my friend’s spiritual ears could not hear YHWH’s voice through my natural voice, then because I have no power of the Ruach Qodesh to substantiate my arguments then they would all just be vain persuasions of man (1 Corinthians 2).

When I am called to minister in the role of an evangelist, I am acutely concerned and compassionate towards the eternal mindset and stature of the person (and spiirt!) to whom I am ministering. However, I also realize it is not my role to convict, bring about repentance or conversion. Those are all offices of the Ruach Qodesh and up to the free will choice of the person to whom I am conversing with. (Call me false or accuse me of watering down the wrath of YHWH, but please do so in the scriptures so that I can respond in kind.) My only responsibility in that moment is to ensure that the person I am speaking with can no longer claim ignorance about the free will decision that is their gift from Elohim to make, nor the potential eternal consequences of it.

My friend had difficulty following the logic of why an agnostic doesn’t get a free “out” when it comes to the existence of a creator, despite what some agnostics may think (including myself when I was an agnostic with this belief). Logically, either an ultimate creator – the true first cause, all of that – either exists, or does not exist. Deists have staked their wages on the bet that said creator does exist, while atheists have cast their lots on the side that says a creator does not exist. Agnostics say that they do not have enough evidence to arrive at a conclusion. However, EVERYONE must play the game simply by living life. If the atheists are right then everybody’s dead and that’s the end. If the deists are right then the creator decides your fate according to how you lived your life – little hope for atheists in most cases (EXCEPT ironically in the case of Yeshua and YHWH as revealed in the scriptures), and if agnostics refuse to make a decision regarding diety it is unlikely they would have lived in such a way as to sufficiently pleased most deities (though, again, even in these dire circumstances there is still hope in Yeshua).

You can’t escape the logical necessity of the question by refusing to commit to one position or the other. Everyone is forced to take the gamble by simply living. If you want to knowingly roll the dice and “let come what may” – and the idea that 80-120 years of live could have eternal ramifications for you doesn’t bother you – then more power to you! So long as you understand the gamble we all must take – and what is at stake – I have done my due diligence. Everyone peddling a religion and a church will tell you they have the one true way. While I, too, believe that there is only one true way – the Messiah, Yeshua, who sits on the Great White Throne at the end of days to render judgment and rewards to each and every one as according their deeds and place in the Book of Life or Lamb’s Book of Life – I am not going to insult your intelligence by pretending my human intellect and whatever gift of persuasive argument I may possess will be able to convince you of such a monumental truth proposition. Again, only the Ruach Qodesh, the very breath of YHWH and “Spirit of Truth” sent to verify and testify of Yeshua can do such a thing.

Earlier in the conversation, before the doubting and the wall we hit – we were at a restaurant and I was blessed to learn our waitress was blessed to have heard our conversation. My friend misunderstood her enthusiasm as attraction towards me, when really it was just her spirit responding to the words of life contained in the scriptures that I was speaking to my friend. And praise Elohim (I was fortunate to be able to teach her some of what Elohim means!) that she did have ears to hear, as the daughter of a pastor! I gave her one of [my Pastor]’s cards, as I don’t yet have my own, and would be blessed whether she chose to press in or whether we don’t hear from her again.

My friend remained distracted by her, however, insisting that I should ask her out several times. There was no denying her attractiveness! But it wasn’t my flesh she was responding to, certainly – I have a jacked up haircut, no fashion sense, bad teeth, broken smile, unkempt beard and I’m about fifty pounds overweight. No, it was the Ruach Qodesh speaking to her that ignited her!

I tried to explain how I could understand my friend’s response, because of the absolutely toxic and vile effect pornography has had on how I’ve related to women, but my friend views pornography as natural and healthy so there’s no sense pushing the subject.

Lastly… MGySgt W shared some words that brought about tears for the first time in a long time. It is difficult to express the daily guilt I feel over the circumstances of my early exit from active duty. I feel I dishonored the brotherhood and the memory of my grandfather, Lieutenant Colonel William Lee Donner, who fought on the isle of Iwo Jima and in the Korean War. To be affirmed as an “outstanding Marine” by anyone of senior rank is an honor, but particularly so by this Marine who not only had the acumen to rise to the top of one of the most technically demanding jobs in the Corps, but who also possessed the Honor, Courage and Commitment to serve in a combat tour outside of his MOS – to literally bestow the greatest love, according to Yeshua: to lay down his life for his friends… To be so esteemed by such a  man means very much indeed. So if you are reading this, too, Master Gunnery Sergeant, thank you.

Now, to sort clothes.

27 Kislev 5775

~1300

En route to Doctor’s appointment. As I have been cleaning out things and sorting things, obviously I find items relating to the past. Found some endorsements from MGySgt W and GySgt C, for instance. Shared and reminisced for a bit on Facebook. What happens? Only text response – from one of the guys who was there – was a warning that memory lane is bad for me.

Now, I appreciate he’s trying to look out for me. But the implication is I can’t even enjoy or look back on an extremely formative time in my life. I can’t talk about it with the people who were there. Lyric: “Kept all of my past mistakes down inside – I’ll live with regret for my whole life.”

Had one lucky and decent exchange with someone on OkC (by which I mean literally one response) but she’s seeming ignored the follow up message so RIP conversation. [Editor note: Because I doubt I’ll focus much hand written time to OkC trivialities, I thought I should explain I’m using the website purely in pursuit of platonic conversation, since I am in no situation to commit to a physical relationship and wouldn’t be having sex before marriage anyway.]

26 Kislev 5775

0420 PST

So I neglected this for a few days. Didn’t do a whole lot. Derek came and picked up PC, peripherals and most video game sutff. Brought a friend (Christina?) which was a little embarrassing since my place was a complete mess but oh well. C’est la vie.

Talked about games and internet probably too much. Also I probably sounded like an idiot trying to explain my novel. Other than that, I spent entirely too much time fruitlessly browsing OkC and watching Nikki Limo on YouTube.

Names of God Bible arrived, leaves “God” as “God” in New Testament ;_; and is missing a few names/titles of YHWH (such as Ancient of Days) but is otherwise a nifty translation. However, [Pastor] sent me a scripture (Job 14:10-17) which was rendered with almost exactly opposite meaning between his translation and Names of God. Time to learn Hebrew. ISR translation arrives Monday.

Lazily missed out on passport and SSDI. Taking care of the latter today at 0900. Hope to take care of the former tomorrow at a similar time before seeing my psychiatrist at 1430. Contacting USMC as soon as I put my pen down regarding a letter I found on eBenefits but never actually received due to it being sent to my old Market St address. Also, I don’t think I’m eligible for Space-A flights anymore, so that sucks.

More or less done sorting clothes and papers I want to keep. Now I just have to actually get rid of my surplus stuff.

Was reading through Genesis and encountered a curious discrepancy. Exodis 6:1-3 clearly has YHWH state that Abraham, Issac and Jacob knew him not by his name YHWH but only El Shaddai, while Genesis 15:7 clearly has YHWH reveal His divine name (well, not AHYH ASR AHYH as in Exodus 3:14) to Abraham, who also used it earlier in Genesis 14. [Later spoke to [Ryan] who clarified that this discrepancy is due to translations and that the actual passage in Exodus more reads like “while they knew my name they did not know the full character attributes that name implies”]

[Church] later today. Hoping to launch patreon soon. Don’t want to throw away uniforms ;_;

1900

Extended worship, [Bob] shared his vision for his new business in Luke 2:48(?) – Yeshua must be about his father’s business.

22 Kislev 5775

10:50 PST

Going to try to start using Jewish calendar. Talked to [Ryan] about how I had ordered Names of God translation and he alerted me to ISR which I immediately ordered. Waiting on service to begin; perhaps 10 people gathered although most were on time today!

[Ryan] prayer: Jeremiah 11:1-5, 12:17, John 21:12-19

1 John 3:18, 4:20

Jeremiah 17:5-10

[Pastor]: Psalm 138

John 17

15:45 PST

I wanted to wait until I had a more accurate – if that is the word – translation of the scriptures before I dove into this topic, but I feel the need to write my thoughts.

I’ve sampled some of organized Christianity for a few years now and I see two major issues that do not sit right with me. The first is that people go on and on about “knowing the LORD” and “knowing Jesus” but they neither know the Father’s nor the Son’s name! The second issue has to do with our performance of love.

I could elaborate on the name but people may miss the point. As regards love, Yeshua said the world would know his disciples by the love they have for each other. The apostle “John” wrote that if we cannot love the brother whom we we see, how can we love the creator who we cannot? Moreover he admonished the called out ones to love not in word or tongue but in deed and action.

[Psalms 51:16-17, James 1:21-27, 1 John 3:18, Luke 6:46-49]

David writes that YHWH does not desire sacrifice nor burnt offering. James writes about the folly of hearing and not doing. Yeshua himself laments how readily people will call him “Lord, Lord” and yet do not do the things that he says.

Many will tell you many things about how to “get spiritual.” While you sometimes might find a scriptural example of a particular ritual, you’d be hard pressed to find any Biblical character teaching it as a rule. Other than… do the Word!

12/12/2014 – 12/13/2014

12:53 PST

[Bob] called to pray. Perhaps he took to heart what I said about relationships.

Is it childish, immature and unfair of me to have tested my brethren so? Probably. On a long enough timeline, everyone fails this test.

12/13/2014 11:40 PST

Patreon video done, still not sure about launching the page. Giving my TV to [Pastor]’s son. Mention of $200 possibly but I’d be okay with lunch.

[Eric] and others were supposed to get in touch about doing a couple different things today, but nothing yet. Last night I almost tried to reach out to [Asa] or [Jenny] to vent about a lack of confidants but decided better.

I grew up spoiled. I had Kai, and we spent hours on end talking to each other about everything. Even friends in B.L.E. [the Bellingham LAN Experiment] were like that – DiscoDave, for example. I really regret the immature way I terminated that relationship.

I really regret the immature way I’ve terminated a lot of relationships. I was especially mistrustful and thus venomous to the opposite gender. If I took an inventory of serious friends I have anymore, I think I could only really name [Pastor]. I won’t use the tired “Jesus is my friend too” cliche, because for one his name is Yeshua and for two I’ve been snubbing him for a few months.

For a long time I have considered the paradox that is “being understood.” The very means by which we seek to understand one another are the same ones from which misunderstandings are birthed. We suppose that if we “speak” the same language – English, for example – that we will be understood. But often a listener will decipher a different meaning for a particular word or phrase due to context, non-verbals, personal quirks or a host of other factors. Over time – months, years – unaddressed miscommunications pile up and isolation mounts. Also, given how intwined language and thinking are, a person born in Japan speaking Japanese thinks differently from an English speaker. Some of their thoughts can only be messily translated to English, if they can come across at all.

[Editors note: I could republish some old writing I had written along these lines, but I think some of it is still available at http://the-spearhead.com under the pen name J. Durden or JJ Durden. Likewise there’s a blogspot domain floating around where I authored some things under the same pen name, http://jjdurden.blogspot.com%5D

Small wonder, then, most college courses seem to open with a “define the subject in your own words” exercise before the instructor mercifully clarifies the course of study.

18:40 PST

Will hopefully have the apartment more or less cleaned out by tonight. Then it’s just a matter of giving away furniture and hiring a cleaning service to do things I can’t (since I don’t own a vacuum, etc).

[Pastor] said charge $15 a month. Ha ha!

Need to get back into disciplined scriptural study. Want to pick up a Names of God translation.

1st Peter 4:3-4!!