New Years 2017

Sunday, 01012017 / 3 Tevet 5777

It has been a long time since I updated this blog. At one point, I had purchased a domain and intended to blog regularly, but I ended up getting swept away with a lot of activities. The last time I was blogging was around the holiday season for 2015/2016. Shortly after the last post I made, I went voluntarily into the psych ward in order to get some help for my sleeping problems. Following my release, I became swamped with various activities and didn’t feel inspired to write.

I finished my four year degree by taking online classes early in the year, and was very active with my (then) new church. For a while, I was practicing martial arts and going to a couple of gyms every week. I was baptized and eventually ordained in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Much to my surprise, I found a wonderful woman and was blessed to marry her in November.

I struggled with overcoming an addiction to pornography last year, as well.

Starting in March, my wife and I plan on taking a massive road trip around the United States in an RV we have purchased. She has started a blog to document these adventures, which I will contribute to from time to time.

I intend to blog here regularly, however, as I don’t quite think some of the things I’d want to write about would fit with the vision she has for the adventure blog. I am getting back into the swing of my spiritual disciplines, and this year I want to remain worthy and in prayer in order to receive clarification on a number of mysteries that have eluded me. I want a revelation of time and eternity, of the Truth, of the Restoration of the Gospel and trustworthiness of the Church, of language/words and the nature of the Word, of light and darkness, of Yeshua himself and of heavenly father.

I may also write about video games from time to time. I’d also like to include scriptural components to my posts. Today I leave you with Psalm 139, which was a favorite psalm of mine around this time last year. I was especially caught up with the notion of being a Light in the Darkness, putting myself in some fairly sketchy situations in order to do so.

Three Important Disciplines

I left my house at 1000 or so and didn’t return until 0209, so I didn’t really have much of a chance to write anything today. Just out, as I claim to be (and whether you find me true in this claim is certainly up for debate) “living the Kingdom of YHWH now.” So, as situations arose and other people needed things, I obeyed, and that chain of obedience didn’t end until just now.

That being said, if I had to write about any of the disciplines that kept me sharp out there in the field, I’d say that there were three important ones I practiced – forgiveness, reconciliation and unity.

Why, as a body, does it seem like we’re always focusing on what’s wrong with one another and seeking to correct that? If a person has a ten point argument, and 5 are good points and 5 are bad, imagine what happens when you only focus on the negative ones and say nothing about the positive ones. You’re immediately reinforcing the negative points and causing the person to become defensive about them and SEEK OUT REASONS TO CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN THEM rather than something more edifying. If you disagree with something, IGNORE IT, and then affirm what you DO agree about. The points people receive positive feedback for are the ones they’re going to develop further, focus on, and continue to talk about (since people like them)!

All three of the disciplines are at work in the paragraph above. Anyway, I understand this is a shorter post but I feel I’ve said all that really needs to be said, and while I might be able to lay all of this out with exact scriptural addresses for you to find it in…why not apply the scriptural discipline of testing the spirits for yourself, and seeing whether what the spirit is telling you about what I am saying can be confirmed through the witness of the 4000 year testimony of the Old Testament and the 2000 year old testimony of the New Testament?

And then, how about we come into more agreement by encouraging each other, working together, building each other up, and connecting… truly becoming “The King’s Church International?”

A Christmas Miracle

This is another piece I hammered out with a keyboard. Forgive me. I’ve been so busy recently I haven’t had the free time to myself as much to sit down and write the old fashioned way. First thing’s first: I was convicted by Proverbs 23:23 and Matthew 10:8 and realized I should not at all be charging a dime to people for them to access what I have written. If however THEY feel for whatever reason that they want to contribute to my life, I am leaving the patreon up (the same way you might see a paypal link on a twitch stream or something). At some near-future date I may also convert this wordpress domain into a “legitimate” one.

Anyway. I have had a tremendous battle going on for the greater part of five years concerning being diagnosed “Bipolar Type I” according to the wisdom and ways of man (and thus being treated in that same wisdom) and contending for the truth of the spiritual realities behind that diagnosis. I won’t go super into depth about it because it’s a topic a lot of people are very passionate about, but I will say that I was healed in the same way Yeshua would go about healing anyone.

I’ve been off my meds for about 7 months. I’ve been sort of “white” lying about it, to the VA and to some other people, just to avoid any number of things I had fears and worries about – ending up in the ward again, having my benefits cut off, all of those things. I realized I couldn’t go out and do the sorts of things I wanted to do nor accurately proclaim to the world that I am living in the Kingdom of YHWH and that the truth had set me free unless I rectified this situation.

The first thing to do was to honor the contractual agreement that I had with the VA, which I signed, which required me to “take medications as proscribed by my psychiatrist.” And so to honor that I contacted my assigned nurse and left a voice mail explaining that I was having symptoms in the natural that might lead a doctor who understands the theory of Bipolar Type I to be concerned that a “manic episode” was incoming. I said if I didn’t hear back from her, I’d check myself into the ER at the VA hospital after a church service last night (12/24).

She called me back a few hours later and we verbally re-negotiated my contract (with the understanding it was never legally binding in the first place) such that my treatment plan now includes no clause about needing to be on medications. Moreover, the VA understands my position that I do not think I am “disabled” nor that I should be the recipient of benefits afforded “disabled” persons, but has decided to continue to bless me with them for the time being.

There may come a day when I am found “0% disabled” and my benefits are cut off, and I have full faith in the father to provide for me no matter where I am or what I am doing (Proverbs 3), so I do not fear that day. In a way, I kind of look forward to it.

What was your Christmas Miracle this year?

1-2 Tevet 5775

1 TEVET 5775 ::: 12/23/2014 0015 PST

Too many blessings to list by practicing simple obedience for one evening. Chief among them was a “chance encounter” (divine appointment) with a fellow pilgrim on this Earth who ministered to me the Word and elucidated concepts I hadn’t thought about. I hope I was also a blessing to him. Exactly what I needed! Praise YHWH!

2 TEVET 5775 ::: 12/24/2014 0218 PST

Been engaged all day. While writing is still a priority, been walking in reconciliation regarding some past relationships. Need to handle apartment as well. Powerful prayer and worship earlier.

27 Kislev 5775

~1300

En route to Doctor’s appointment. As I have been cleaning out things and sorting things, obviously I find items relating to the past. Found some endorsements from MGySgt W and GySgt C, for instance. Shared and reminisced for a bit on Facebook. What happens? Only text response – from one of the guys who was there – was a warning that memory lane is bad for me.

Now, I appreciate he’s trying to look out for me. But the implication is I can’t even enjoy or look back on an extremely formative time in my life. I can’t talk about it with the people who were there. Lyric: “Kept all of my past mistakes down inside – I’ll live with regret for my whole life.”

Had one lucky and decent exchange with someone on OkC (by which I mean literally one response) but she’s seeming ignored┬áthe follow up message so RIP conversation. [Editor note: Because I doubt I’ll focus much hand written time to OkC trivialities, I thought I should explain I’m using the website purely in pursuit of platonic conversation, since I am in no situation to commit to a physical relationship and wouldn’t be having sex before marriage anyway.]

26 Kislev 5775

0420 PST

So I neglected this for a few days. Didn’t do a whole lot. Derek came and picked up PC, peripherals and most video game sutff. Brought a friend (Christina?) which was a little embarrassing since my place was a complete mess but oh well. C’est la vie.

Talked about games and internet probably too much. Also I probably sounded like an idiot trying to explain my novel. Other than that, I spent entirely too much time fruitlessly browsing OkC and watching Nikki Limo on YouTube.

Names of God Bible arrived, leaves “God” as “God” in New Testament ;_; and is missing a few names/titles of YHWH (such as Ancient of Days) but is otherwise a nifty translation. However, [Pastor] sent me a scripture (Job 14:10-17) which was rendered with almost exactly opposite meaning between his translation and Names of God. Time to learn Hebrew. ISR translation arrives Monday.

Lazily missed out on passport and SSDI. Taking care of the latter today at 0900. Hope to take care of the former tomorrow at a similar time before seeing my psychiatrist at 1430. Contacting USMC as soon as I put my pen down regarding a letter I found on eBenefits but never actually received due to it being sent to my old Market St address. Also, I don’t think I’m eligible for Space-A flights anymore, so that sucks.

More or less done sorting clothes and papers I want to keep. Now I just have to actually get rid of my surplus stuff.

Was reading through Genesis and encountered a curious discrepancy. Exodis 6:1-3 clearly has YHWH state that Abraham, Issac and Jacob knew him not by his name YHWH but only El Shaddai, while Genesis 15:7 clearly has YHWH reveal His divine name (well, not AHYH ASR AHYH as in Exodus 3:14) to Abraham, who also used it earlier in Genesis 14. [Later spoke to [Ryan] who clarified that this discrepancy is due to translations and that the actual passage in Exodus more reads like “while they knew my name they did not know the full character attributes that name implies”]

[Church] later today. Hoping to launch patreon soon. Don’t want to throw away uniforms ;_;

1900

Extended worship, [Bob] shared his vision for his new business in Luke 2:48(?) – Yeshua must be about his father’s business.

23 Kislev 5775

12:19 PST

Slept in again (10:30 PST). No good excuses. Going to wrap up what little is left of picking up around apartment. [Pastor]’s son never got the TV yesterday.

Meditated on the law of reciprocity last night – “you reap what you sow.” Also recalled a conversation I had with [Pastor] some time ago, the upshot of which was just because you might be forgiven your sins by confessing to and profession Yeshua, that doesn’t mean you won’t still have to deal with the consequences of your sins. Having reflected on these two things, it was easy to understand why I no longer had people I could talk to at all hours about anything.

Yesterday, I took the advice of (I believe it was Ghandi) and started to be the change I wanted to see in the world. So, I reached out and called or (ugh) texted as many in the [church] community as I could for prayer or to just see how they were doing. I will be the first to admit that my prayer life isn’t at where it probably should be. Though, as I wrote yesterday (I think I wrote it anyway), YHWH knows how excellent he is. I get the sense that he would rather I spend an hour applying his principles than supplicating Him, though this may just be a spirit of self-justification and self-righteousness rearing its ugly head. Likewise, I don’t feel compelled to spend much or any time petitioning for my own needs, as I know the provider YHWH-Jireh has that covered too. That leaves intercession, which is where I spend most of my time. That, and of course, repentance.

I have always been desirous of intimate (not just the physical sense) relationships. I didn’t always recognize and appreciate theo nes I had, and often I would do a lot of introspection and brooding. Lately, I have been lamenting this lack somewhat, though I think the Father, Son, and Ruach Qodesh might be leading me into a season of depending upon them for intimacy. This, however, is not being said as an excuse for me to shut others out (as I have seen some do!), since the scriptures do instruct us that we are misled if we think we can love our invisible creator and not love our brothers (1 John).

Looking forward to receiving ISR translation.

17:20 PST

Made some progress with apartment. Found my old iPod, listening to [Spock Beard’s] Snow, just like before I left for Utah. Found the text of the Request Mast, also. Now it can live on in eternal perpetuity on some Google server.

Derek aka Fignuts will be taking the PC – and hopefully all related video game paraphernalia – off my hands tomorrow. I feel a little bad about making him drive [approx 4 hours] but at the same time he’s getting what was a $5,000 computer last December for free.

Memories of high school and burned bridges. Do most people even grow beyond their high school mentalities? Perhaps. Interestingly, found a post card from Kelsey in my things. Received while I was a patient at NMCSD. I suppose I should be glad I’ll never be in the headspace to understand why I treated her the way I did. She’s in [redacted] now, I think. Reached out to Sam who is in Portland and Sara who is in Olympia – won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from them.

This lyric… “Got a lot of heart ache I don’t show… what it’s like you’ll never know… to be the solitary soul” That’s a big lie. We pretend as if no one can understand us nor has anyone gone through what we’ve gone through in order to justify our defense mechanisms and walls.

It’s interesting to think about our interconnectedness. What I mean by this… I might spend an hour at a restaurant and eat some food. But for some, that food represents the culmination of their life’s work – the business owner, anyway. I like to imagine that the people preparing it also take pride in it though that isn’t always necessarily the case. Either way, the people of the restaurant spend their day to day lives engaged in the business of something we casually consume and think little on.

If this seems disjointed, it is a bit, because I’m dining. I don’t know if my departure feels “real” yet, but it isn’t the first time I’ve set out either. I’m leaving behind a lot of stuff, but you do that for boot camp. I’ll be interested to see how these “mixed dorm” hostels work out. If I am “afraid” of anything it’s meeting people who don’t want to talk and who just don’t care. About anything.

I was trying to think of Biblical characters to model on this journey. The only analogy I can think of is when Paul became the missionary to the Gentile nations. Even then it’s not the best fit. I am like unto a Roman through and through, touring the Empire, supposing I can say a thing or two about Yeshua only rarely (and not recently) having had the power of the Ruach Qodesh work through me such that others felt and could not deny it. Does that make me a pretender, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I notice many are eager to claim they are speaking “for the LORD,” but the Word is clear that teachers and preachers will be held to account for every word they utter – for good or ill – above and beyond the average person’s reckoning.

Would like to finish clean up and sorting and maybe evne try for the gym for the first time in forever tomorrow. Plus switch over to primarily liquid diet. I see my Doctor on Friday, [Nurse] tomorrow I think. Before returning home I might drop by Starbucks and read a bit (poor reading light at Banbu outside). My handwriting seems to be less sloppy than on the first day, so that’s something. Been holding off on telling landlord until the apartment is in a more showable state.

[Later…]

Hate this Starbucks music.