What is Dead Men Tell No Tales? It is a selection of (hitherto) undisclosed, private ruminations and epiphanies. Most take the form of (slightly) edited letters to unnamed recipients, but some have been scavenged from the depths of private journals recently rediscovered. Over the next little while (however long it takes – days, weeks, months, years?) I’ll be posting them in episodic fashion for the reading pleasure of my nonexistent audience.
In Epic Catastrophe, our young author makes a series of unfortunate miscalculations and mistakes with one KL. Beginning is where the saga truly starts, about two weeks after signing the papers to enlist in the Marine Corps.
[Responding to her taking pride in being honest:]
Honesty and trust are the foundation of any meaningful relationship.
In response to:
“interesting career path for you” – It’s not so much interesting as something I have to do. I mean, I’ve always maintained a mild interest in the military, but not for the noble reasons you’ve attributed it. I’m a realist; the world is fueled by hate, and I’ve always had a morbid curiosity in that.
“Its about me worrying about you” – I’m genuinely… touched. Really, I mean it. You are the FIRST person out of the MANY I’ve told who was actually worried about me GETTING HURT. Everyone else just kinda shrugged and said “well, hope it works out for you.” Seriously, the most motivating factor in my decision wasn’t all the benefits and the money and all that jazz. My philosophy on life prevents me from committing suicide, but I have no qualms with dying (and no fear of death). Basically, the biggest reason I joined is because there wasn’t a reason NOT to join. No loved one I’d be leaving behind, no person that would miss me when I was gone. I have nothing to live for except for myself (not an appealing thought) so why not? In the meantime, I’ll get to travel, make money, go to school…
Nobody seems to understand when I tell them that I literally grew up in a loveless household. As a child, I was not loved. As an adult, I don’t know what love is and I don’t know how to love. Things most people take for granted, because most people grow up with some kind of love in their life – even if things are rough, there’s typically love somewhere. The closest I came is my brother, but he’s a drunk I haven’t seen in close to three years and who I can’t get a hold of. He only said he loved me when he was drunk.
And then there’s Haley. Let me just quote a song: “I remember when / all the games began / remember every little lie / and every last goodbye / the promises you broke / words you choked on / and I never walked away / it’s still a mystery to me / well i’m so empty / i’m better off without you / and you’re better off without me / well you’re so unclean / i’m better off without you / and you’re better off without me / … roses in a glass / dead and wilted / to you this all is nothing / everything to you is nothing / … well I’m so ugly / you’re better off without me / I’m better off without ” Cliff’s notes: I trusted her, she abused it, reinforced a philosophy I was already adopting, and the rest is history.
More musical insight – my theme song changed from Solitary Shell to Fade to Black:
“Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Can not stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he is gone
No one but me can save myself but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye (goodbye)”
Time to wrap it up, as I am rambling.