Concerning Accuracy and Truth; It Is Written

30 KISLEV 5775 ::: 12/22/2014 0847 PST

I find myself writing more online than in this notebook, if only because I have mentally partitioned it as something to be used only to document daily happenings; especially as they are relevant to my travels or are related to the purpose behind my travels.

That unfortunately has led to some having an incomplete picture with which to assess my spiritual or “religious” convictions and dispositions. Moreover, it is somewhat difficult in any case to ascertain the sincerity of one’s actions through one’s own words. Also, I refuse to fall into the trap of justifying myself to men. All this being understood, there are some things I’d like to clarify.

“In the natural,” as a spiritual sort might say, I was trained to be a metrologist by the United States Marine Corps; metrology being the science of measurement. It was a task primarily concerned with accuracy. Most people do not think, as they are taking a measurement, “how can I trust that the device I am using is accurate?” For everyday purposes, a high degree of accuracy isn’t that necessary. How many times have you weighed yourself on your own scale in the morning and then shrugged off the realization you’d gained or lost 5-10 pounds between the morning weigh-in and the time it took for you to arrive at your doctor’s appointment for a weigh-in in the afternoon? We tend to trust that the doctor’s scale is probably more accurate, but for most, we are not overly concerned that our own scale is not as accurate. We just begin mentally compensating (“I am the weight my scale reads plus or minus 5 to 10 pounds), and that’s that.

Such a laissez-faire appraoch doesn’t cut it for military grade electronics, aeronautics and applications. That is where metrology technicians come into play. We are trained to verify the accuracy of measurements taken by devices against known standards of measurements with higher degrees of accuracy, in an unbroken chain of standards leading directly back to the “gold” (i.e., national or international standard, generally dictated by the National Institute of Standards and Technology). If a device is found to be out of tolerance (i.e., not accurate enough), we’ve also received a crash course in electrical engineering and component level troubleshooting/repair in order to bring a device back into tolerance.

I don’t intend this as a boast, but I was considered very competent at my job. I was the honor graduate of my class, received several letters of endorsements from the top ranking Marines in my lab, and was appointed to positions of authority usually reserved for Marines of much more senior rank. I also received an individual commendation for my active duty service, which you may know was regrettably cut short. The point being, I found the concept of accuracy fascinating, having also been a lifelong lover (and, at that time, current student of) philosophy. In that context of philosophy, I had always pursued the truth (and whether there was an absolute truth), a pursuit in which accuracy is a critical component.

Why do I say all this as regards my spiritual activities? Well, after being forced into a spiritual competition/mystical experience through no desire of my own, I was left with essentially two choices: accept what (decent, compassionate) men were telling me or try to investigate and come to my own conclusions. At the time of my first ineffable experience with the eternal realm, I had essentially zero spiritual “standards” with which to evaluate my experience, let alone test the accuracy of my interpretations. Thus, it was easy to trust the conclusions of the Marine S[taff]N[on]C[ommissioned]O[fficers], warrant officers, commissioned officers, sailors, petty officers, and

18:47

That is the exact word I left off on at around 1000 PST, because [the friend I previously wrote about from college] reached out to me and needed my time. Even though I had my plans – errands, appointments, writing, prayer, study – I dropped everything to minister YHWH’s word to him in love for 6 straight hours. [Yeshua did not tell the people who needed him to “come back tomorrow” or wait on him – although I tried to do exactly this at first.] I will complete the thought left hanging and continue my thesis before, Adonai willing, writing about 1000-1847 PST. Exactly where we left off:

Naval commissioned officers who were generally motivated by shared bonds of philia love and wanted the best for my wellness as best they knew how to deliver it.

Their counsel was to completely repress and suppress all “religious delusions,” stay away from scriptures, and comply with medications. So I did exactly that for one year and had perhaps the most miserable year of my entire life. I could only cope by drinking 5-10 shots of scotch almost every night and was left often to cry alone as I fell out of touch and (seemingly) favor with my brothers – the Marines of CLR-35, 3rd Maintenance Battalion ELMACO 2009-2010. I also had to grapple with the complete destruction of my career and very identity.

As I was about to process out – and the anniversary of the date of onset for my illness (February 14 2010 being that date – the “day of love” in the Western world) approached, I decided to investigate what had happened to me and why it happened using the only tools I knew how to use – writing and deep introspection.

This caused me to relive the events and I accordingly had an even more powerful and severe mystical experience/psychotic break which landed me in a state psychiatric ward in Chicago beginning in early-mid March 2011.

Literally days prior to this, I first encountered (“by chance”) my spiritual father, Jim Teak II, among others.

After exiting the wards in Chicago and returning to San Diego, I began 3 earnest (sometimes more earnest, sometimes less earnest) years of studying and practically applying the Word. I had three more inpatient stays from June 2011-August 2012. I continually lost my zeal, joy, and quality of life as my medication regiment shifted and intensified. I bloated to 280 pounds (having been 180 pounds on active duty and rail thin my entire life prior).

There are pages and pages of details to write concerning all of this. The important part is that I was building my own spiritual “standard” by which not only could I verify the accuracy of my own experiences and interpretations, but also could verify the accuracy of other people’s words and deeds according to that standard.

My standard is, very simply, the written word of YHWH. When Yeshua was tempted after 40 days of of fasting in the desert by the enemy, He rebuked the enemy each time by simply stating “IT IS WRITTEN,” and then prophesying the Word of YHWH. Yeshua was literally the LIVING, BREATHING WORD OF YHWH MADE FLESH (John 1), yet He chose to rebuke, resist, and put to his heel Satan in this specific manner. He did this so that we who are not (yet) the Word made flesh could understand how to do the same – by using the written, established, tried, tested and found true WORD of YHWH. Which, I would remind you, was read by Yeshua in Hebrew and most certainly spoken by Yeshua in that or any other situation in Hebrew – NOT in King James English.

Selah.

Honestly, selah on that for a long time. It is so imperative to selah on that that I do not yet need to write and share about what happened to my friend and myself between 1000-1847 PST today.

Not my words, but His WORD. Amen.

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28 Kislev 5775

1500 PST

Forgot to honor the Sabbath, which is another habit I need to revive.

Spent some time in the Word, but was also engaged in some fruitful correspondences. Read some of my old pieces from In Mala Fide because I was interested in the comments (a lot of the comments on many – maybe all – my Spearhead posts are now gone). I had made a greater impact than I gave myself credit for, and also followed the rabbit hole down through someone who expressed interest in my writing just as I was ceasing from it. [Ed note: I have uploaded the four pieces that I wrote which were published on In Mala Fide, comments more or less intact, for those seeking more context to this post. Just check out this category to see them.]

A lot of truths [my Pastor] teaches, I had known (if not in whole at least in part) before even meeting him. I liken the situation almost to Romans 2:14-16, though in truth I had learned, internalized, and never fully abandoned some scriptural principles beginning from a young age. Where I missed the mark was in some of the conclusions I drew, as well as properly identifying, discerning and dividing the truth from sweet sounding deceptions [Hebrews 4:12] (which I have written more in depth about previously).

This man that I found has – bless his heart! – chosen to stay true to the narrow path. He was reaching out to me just as he began his own journey, to choose whether ot hold fast to the faith and principles he had grown up with or follow down the seductive paths of nihilism and hedonism that the red pill manosphere offers young, intelligent, lonely but otherwise extremely capable and talented men. Given the choice between the promise of ridicule and loneliness for virtue’s sake or the offer of, essentially, on-demand sex through mastery of the arts of seduction, he made the choice few indeed would make. From what I have read of him, he certainly deserves the following he has attracted and his commitment to physical as well as mental and spiritual discipline puts me to shame.

I pray earnest that, on his path to truth, the temptations of the flesh would not stumble him as they have me. I also pray he can receive revelation of YHWH’s names and attributes, to be blessed by the increased intimiacy such precious knowledge and wisdom allows I pray too that his understanding of the essential Jewish qualities of the savior and messiah I know he wishes to serve with all his heart, mind, soul and strength would grow and increase in this season we are entering. If I am to be the one to shout YHWH’s name in the wilderness (of the manosphere remnant) in accordance with the prophecy of Isaiah 40:3-8, then I pray for repentance (to change my thinking according to the seed of truth you have sown in me that I might bear fruit through my actions) so I may one day have the same boldness and authority as the man prophesied to carry out that task in the scriptures. And if I am the natural voice that this man I am praying for is to hear in order for his spiritual ears to receive the deposit of the Ruach Qodesh – the very breath of Elohim, of YHWH, which gave life to the adamah (dust of the Earth) to the first adam (man, Adam) – then Amen and Selah! Not my Words but yours, Adonai – nor my glory but instead yours. I know in my spirit you have called him to great responsibility and he will have a huge impact on the King’s Harvest. Amen!

In other developments, I launched my Patreon, and transcribed all that I have written so far. I have been able to resist temptation and tame my flesh for at least a few days. Perhaps another Confession of Sins is in order should I succumb?

Undoubtedly some will read what I have been writing, having come from my Facebook link to this project and think, “Well, he is headed for straight for the loony bin again.” This is because what people have come to expect from mainstream Christianity is, in fact, insane! Prove to me in the scriptures that we should have blind faith! Prove to me in the scriptures that we should erase all of El Elyon’s names (and thus attributes) and only know Him by two titles! Prove to me that the power of YHWH’s son’s name is in the Greek rendering “Jesus” and not in the Hebrew “Yeshua” or “Yohoshua” he was known by! When you pray in the name of Jesus – WHO ARE YOU PRAYING TO? I am not likely to respond to the name of Juan* – nor am I likely to appreciate you insisting upon calling me that when I’ve told you my name – simply because it is more comfortable for you! Why do we think it is any different for YHWH, Yeshua or the Ruach Qodesh?

*Special exception exists for the men and one lady of the 2009-2010 Okinawa Calibrations platoon, from whom Juan is in fact a high term of endearment.

2200 PST

Lots to write about. Spent 4 hours with [a friend I met in a college course locally]. First few hours were great, but (not to imply things ended unwell) towards the end we hit a wall that we always do.

At first he was pleased to just hear me share about the reasons why I feel compelled to do what I will be doing, but then he began to ask perfectly fair and reasonable questions of me. I tried to make it clear that neither I, nor truly the words of ANY man, would be able to satisfy the burden of evidence he desires – the exact same evidence I wish to also see for myself! Moreover, because I ONLY have my human intellect and perhaps some outward fruits of the Ruach Qodesh (Galatians 5:22-23), but haven’t completely conquered the sins of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21), I haven’t even the most fundamental of the MANIFESTATIONS of the Ruach (1 Corinthians 12-14). And not having those, if my friend’s spiritual ears could not hear YHWH’s voice through my natural voice, then because I have no power of the Ruach Qodesh to substantiate my arguments then they would all just be vain persuasions of man (1 Corinthians 2).

When I am called to minister in the role of an evangelist, I am acutely concerned and compassionate towards the eternal mindset and stature of the person (and spiirt!) to whom I am ministering. However, I also realize it is not my role to convict, bring about repentance or conversion. Those are all offices of the Ruach Qodesh and up to the free will choice of the person to whom I am conversing with. (Call me false or accuse me of watering down the wrath of YHWH, but please do so in the scriptures so that I can respond in kind.) My only responsibility in that moment is to ensure that the person I am speaking with can no longer claim ignorance about the free will decision that is their gift from Elohim to make, nor the potential eternal consequences of it.

My friend had difficulty following the logic of why an agnostic doesn’t get a free “out” when it comes to the existence of a creator, despite what some agnostics may think (including myself when I was an agnostic with this belief). Logically, either an ultimate creator – the true first cause, all of that – either exists, or does not exist. Deists have staked their wages on the bet that said creator does exist, while atheists have cast their lots on the side that says a creator does not exist. Agnostics say that they do not have enough evidence to arrive at a conclusion. However, EVERYONE must play the game simply by living life. If the atheists are right then everybody’s dead and that’s the end. If the deists are right then the creator decides your fate according to how you lived your life – little hope for atheists in most cases (EXCEPT ironically in the case of Yeshua and YHWH as revealed in the scriptures), and if agnostics refuse to make a decision regarding diety it is unlikely they would have lived in such a way as to sufficiently pleased most deities (though, again, even in these dire circumstances there is still hope in Yeshua).

You can’t escape the logical necessity of the question by refusing to commit to one position or the other. Everyone is forced to take the gamble by simply living. If you want to knowingly roll the dice and “let come what may” – and the idea that 80-120 years of live could have eternal ramifications for you doesn’t bother you – then more power to you! So long as you understand the gamble we all must take – and what is at stake – I have done my due diligence. Everyone peddling a religion and a church will tell you they have the one true way. While I, too, believe that there is only one true way – the Messiah, Yeshua, who sits on the Great White Throne at the end of days to render judgment and rewards to each and every one as according their deeds and place in the Book of Life or Lamb’s Book of Life – I am not going to insult your intelligence by pretending my human intellect and whatever gift of persuasive argument I may possess will be able to convince you of such a monumental truth proposition. Again, only the Ruach Qodesh, the very breath of YHWH and “Spirit of Truth” sent to verify and testify of Yeshua can do such a thing.

Earlier in the conversation, before the doubting and the wall we hit – we were at a restaurant and I was blessed to learn our waitress was blessed to have heard our conversation. My friend misunderstood her enthusiasm as attraction towards me, when really it was just her spirit responding to the words of life contained in the scriptures that I was speaking to my friend. And praise Elohim (I was fortunate to be able to teach her some of what Elohim means!) that she did have ears to hear, as the daughter of a pastor! I gave her one of [my Pastor]’s cards, as I don’t yet have my own, and would be blessed whether she chose to press in or whether we don’t hear from her again.

My friend remained distracted by her, however, insisting that I should ask her out several times. There was no denying her attractiveness! But it wasn’t my flesh she was responding to, certainly – I have a jacked up haircut, no fashion sense, bad teeth, broken smile, unkempt beard and I’m about fifty pounds overweight. No, it was the Ruach Qodesh speaking to her that ignited her!

I tried to explain how I could understand my friend’s response, because of the absolutely toxic and vile effect pornography has had on how I’ve related to women, but my friend views pornography as natural and healthy so there’s no sense pushing the subject.

Lastly… MGySgt W shared some words that brought about tears for the first time in a long time. It is difficult to express the daily guilt I feel over the circumstances of my early exit from active duty. I feel I dishonored the brotherhood and the memory of my grandfather, Lieutenant Colonel William Lee Donner, who fought on the isle of Iwo Jima and in the Korean War. To be affirmed as an “outstanding Marine” by anyone of senior rank is an honor, but particularly so by this Marine who not only had the acumen to rise to the top of one of the most technically demanding jobs in the Corps, but who also possessed the Honor, Courage and Commitment to serve in a combat tour outside of his MOS – to literally bestow the greatest love, according to Yeshua: to lay down his life for his friends… To be so esteemed by such a  man means very much indeed. So if you are reading this, too, Master Gunnery Sergeant, thank you.

Now, to sort clothes.

26 Kislev 5775

0420 PST

So I neglected this for a few days. Didn’t do a whole lot. Derek came and picked up PC, peripherals and most video game sutff. Brought a friend (Christina?) which was a little embarrassing since my place was a complete mess but oh well. C’est la vie.

Talked about games and internet probably too much. Also I probably sounded like an idiot trying to explain my novel. Other than that, I spent entirely too much time fruitlessly browsing OkC and watching Nikki Limo on YouTube.

Names of God Bible arrived, leaves “God” as “God” in New Testament ;_; and is missing a few names/titles of YHWH (such as Ancient of Days) but is otherwise a nifty translation. However, [Pastor] sent me a scripture (Job 14:10-17) which was rendered with almost exactly opposite meaning between his translation and Names of God. Time to learn Hebrew. ISR translation arrives Monday.

Lazily missed out on passport and SSDI. Taking care of the latter today at 0900. Hope to take care of the former tomorrow at a similar time before seeing my psychiatrist at 1430. Contacting USMC as soon as I put my pen down regarding a letter I found on eBenefits but never actually received due to it being sent to my old Market St address. Also, I don’t think I’m eligible for Space-A flights anymore, so that sucks.

More or less done sorting clothes and papers I want to keep. Now I just have to actually get rid of my surplus stuff.

Was reading through Genesis and encountered a curious discrepancy. Exodis 6:1-3 clearly has YHWH state that Abraham, Issac and Jacob knew him not by his name YHWH but only El Shaddai, while Genesis 15:7 clearly has YHWH reveal His divine name (well, not AHYH ASR AHYH as in Exodus 3:14) to Abraham, who also used it earlier in Genesis 14. [Later spoke to [Ryan] who clarified that this discrepancy is due to translations and that the actual passage in Exodus more reads like “while they knew my name they did not know the full character attributes that name implies”]

[Church] later today. Hoping to launch patreon soon. Don’t want to throw away uniforms ;_;

1900

Extended worship, [Bob] shared his vision for his new business in Luke 2:48(?) – Yeshua must be about his father’s business.

23 Kislev 5775

12:19 PST

Slept in again (10:30 PST). No good excuses. Going to wrap up what little is left of picking up around apartment. [Pastor]’s son never got the TV yesterday.

Meditated on the law of reciprocity last night – “you reap what you sow.” Also recalled a conversation I had with [Pastor] some time ago, the upshot of which was just because you might be forgiven your sins by confessing to and profession Yeshua, that doesn’t mean you won’t still have to deal with the consequences of your sins. Having reflected on these two things, it was easy to understand why I no longer had people I could talk to at all hours about anything.

Yesterday, I took the advice of (I believe it was Ghandi) and started to be the change I wanted to see in the world. So, I reached out and called or (ugh) texted as many in the [church] community as I could for prayer or to just see how they were doing. I will be the first to admit that my prayer life isn’t at where it probably should be. Though, as I wrote yesterday (I think I wrote it anyway), YHWH knows how excellent he is. I get the sense that he would rather I spend an hour applying his principles than supplicating Him, though this may just be a spirit of self-justification and self-righteousness rearing its ugly head. Likewise, I don’t feel compelled to spend much or any time petitioning for my own needs, as I know the provider YHWH-Jireh has that covered too. That leaves intercession, which is where I spend most of my time. That, and of course, repentance.

I have always been desirous of intimate (not just the physical sense) relationships. I didn’t always recognize and appreciate theo nes I had, and often I would do a lot of introspection and brooding. Lately, I have been lamenting this lack somewhat, though I think the Father, Son, and Ruach Qodesh might be leading me into a season of depending upon them for intimacy. This, however, is not being said as an excuse for me to shut others out (as I have seen some do!), since the scriptures do instruct us that we are misled if we think we can love our invisible creator and not love our brothers (1 John).

Looking forward to receiving ISR translation.

17:20 PST

Made some progress with apartment. Found my old iPod, listening to [Spock Beard’s] Snow, just like before I left for Utah. Found the text of the Request Mast, also. Now it can live on in eternal perpetuity on some Google server.

Derek aka Fignuts will be taking the PC – and hopefully all related video game paraphernalia – off my hands tomorrow. I feel a little bad about making him drive [approx 4 hours] but at the same time he’s getting what was a $5,000 computer last December for free.

Memories of high school and burned bridges. Do most people even grow beyond their high school mentalities? Perhaps. Interestingly, found a post card from Kelsey in my things. Received while I was a patient at NMCSD. I suppose I should be glad I’ll never be in the headspace to understand why I treated her the way I did. She’s in [redacted] now, I think. Reached out to Sam who is in Portland and Sara who is in Olympia – won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from them.

This lyric… “Got a lot of heart ache I don’t show… what it’s like you’ll never know… to be the solitary soul” That’s a big lie. We pretend as if no one can understand us nor has anyone gone through what we’ve gone through in order to justify our defense mechanisms and walls.

It’s interesting to think about our interconnectedness. What I mean by this… I might spend an hour at a restaurant and eat some food. But for some, that food represents the culmination of their life’s work – the business owner, anyway. I like to imagine that the people preparing it also take pride in it though that isn’t always necessarily the case. Either way, the people of the restaurant spend their day to day lives engaged in the business of something we casually consume and think little on.

If this seems disjointed, it is a bit, because I’m dining. I don’t know if my departure feels “real” yet, but it isn’t the first time I’ve set out either. I’m leaving behind a lot of stuff, but you do that for boot camp. I’ll be interested to see how these “mixed dorm” hostels work out. If I am “afraid” of anything it’s meeting people who don’t want to talk and who just don’t care. About anything.

I was trying to think of Biblical characters to model on this journey. The only analogy I can think of is when Paul became the missionary to the Gentile nations. Even then it’s not the best fit. I am like unto a Roman through and through, touring the Empire, supposing I can say a thing or two about Yeshua only rarely (and not recently) having had the power of the Ruach Qodesh work through me such that others felt and could not deny it. Does that make me a pretender, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I notice many are eager to claim they are speaking “for the LORD,” but the Word is clear that teachers and preachers will be held to account for every word they utter – for good or ill – above and beyond the average person’s reckoning.

Would like to finish clean up and sorting and maybe evne try for the gym for the first time in forever tomorrow. Plus switch over to primarily liquid diet. I see my Doctor on Friday, [Nurse] tomorrow I think. Before returning home I might drop by Starbucks and read a bit (poor reading light at Banbu outside). My handwriting seems to be less sloppy than on the first day, so that’s something. Been holding off on telling landlord until the apartment is in a more showable state.

[Later…]

Hate this Starbucks music.

22 Kislev 5775

10:50 PST

Going to try to start using Jewish calendar. Talked to [Ryan] about how I had ordered Names of God translation and he alerted me to ISR which I immediately ordered. Waiting on service to begin; perhaps 10 people gathered although most were on time today!

[Ryan] prayer: Jeremiah 11:1-5, 12:17, John 21:12-19

1 John 3:18, 4:20

Jeremiah 17:5-10

[Pastor]: Psalm 138

John 17

15:45 PST

I wanted to wait until I had a more accurate – if that is the word – translation of the scriptures before I dove into this topic, but I feel the need to write my thoughts.

I’ve sampled some of organized Christianity for a few years now and I see two major issues that do not sit right with me. The first is that people go on and on about “knowing the LORD” and “knowing Jesus” but they neither know the Father’s nor the Son’s name! The second issue has to do with our performance of love.

I could elaborate on the name but people may miss the point. As regards love, Yeshua said the world would know his disciples by the love they have for each other. The apostle “John” wrote that if we cannot love the brother whom we we see, how can we love the creator who we cannot? Moreover he admonished the called out ones to love not in word or tongue but in deed and action.

[Psalms 51:16-17, James 1:21-27, 1 John 3:18, Luke 6:46-49]

David writes that YHWH does not desire sacrifice nor burnt offering. James writes about the folly of hearing and not doing. Yeshua himself laments how readily people will call him “Lord, Lord” and yet do not do the things that he says.

Many will tell you many things about how to “get spiritual.” While you sometimes might find a scriptural example of a particular ritual, you’d be hard pressed to find any Biblical character teaching it as a rule. Other than… do the Word!

The Confession of Sins

This post was originally written by hand just hours before I checked myself into a psychiatric ward for the fourth (fifth if you count an ER visit that was over in one night) time, for suicidal ideations. Additional commentary not in the original handwritten manuscript will appear [in brackets].

[1 John:7-9]: But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ Yeshua Messiah His son cleanses us of all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

[Your sins need only be confessed to the Holy Father, AHYH ASR AHYH or YHWH, in order to be forgiven. However, it can be edifying to confess your sins to fellow Christians, and that is why I have written this post. I hope you can join in my example and confess your sins publicly in the comments below, and feel the freedom it brings.]

I have sinned. When I was young, I came to hate my mother. Though I understood she had come from a massively abusive home and left at an early age; though I understood her first husband had left her to raise her first son on her own; though I understood she supported me and my sister on her own without child support from our father (her second husband), I could not forgive her the harsh words she spoke to me. I refused her love and refused to love her. And now I ask — Lisa, will you forgive me of this?

I have sinned. I have dishonored my father. I have spoken harsh words about his financial stewardship and refused to seek him out because he refused to seek me out. [I harbored bitterness and resentment for the way he seemingly abandoned our family.] I have refused his love and refused to love him. And now I ask — Ross, will you forgive me of this? Continue reading