New follower, new classes

To my new follower: hello! I have no idea who you are. A google search pulled up something about a catcom.com or some such, but the website was designed atrociously and I didn’t have the patience to navigate it and try to learn about who you MIGHT be. In any case, I don’t think I’ve ever known a person by your name and I have no idea why you’d follow my infrequently updated blog, but I felt as though I should address you and attempt to get some answers.

In other news: I’m back in college, taking an entry level speech class. The content seems easy as cake (then again, most school is pretty easy for me) but I enjoy the professor and his style. Should be an entertaining and worthwhile eight weeks, if nothing else. Plus, I’m not paying for it, so it’s not like I’m bound to -lose- anything.
Not much of substance to post. I detest daily grind type updates (here’s what I did today, world!) and so generally refrain from posting them. It’s good to be back in a formal learning environment again – while there will always be things I hate (can’t go at my own pace, other people cheapening or detracting from the experience) about it, I think there will always be things I like (the teacher, the subject, chances to express myself) about it too.
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The Essays.

I’ve posted some of my old essays from school. There are some that I have that aren’t saved on my drive, so to share them I’d have to type them up; I might be willing to do that if there’s enough interest. In either case, enjoy.

I miss you.

And you. And you, you, and you. And who could forget about you? 

Growing seems like losing more often than not. Then again, I’m probably not growing.

Excising the fat

I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to tighten the clamp of my social circle so much so as to squeeze out everyone but a handful of people, but I’m in one of those moods again.

I have about fifty friends left on Facebook and it feels like too much since I really only regularly talk to Kai. I’ve deleted many people on AIM – though in my old days I would have BLOCKED them too. I’ve gotten better about that, at least. They can still message me if they want, I guess, but that’s just the thing – they clearly don’t want to.
I spend a lot of time on OkCupid for no fucking reason at all. I have no idea what I’m looking for on there but it’s doubtful I’ll find it. 
Alcohol is a bad idea for me, for it only heightens my sullen mood (which I enjoy, strangely).
I wish I were happy, not so much so that I could be happy, but so that certain people would like me. What a retarded statement – I clearly wouldn’t BE happy if I just wish I were happy so other people would like me, and their liking me probably wouldn’t make me happy either. This is clearly an example of me not knowing what I want.
I do know that if I HAD to travel back in time, I would change a lot of things. Given the option to travel back in time, I’m not sure that I would. Is that strange? I’d rather not have been born at all, to be completely honest, and sometimes I’d rather just be dead (though I’d never kill myself). Life seems like one big endurance test.

One of those lame lyrics posts

Sensation washes over me
I can’t describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don’t remember
Tear a hole so I can see
My devastation
Feelings from so long ago
I don’t remember

Holding on, to let them know
What’s given to me, given to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe

Blind your eyes to what you see
You can’t embrace it
Leave it well enough alone
And don’t remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed
You can’t deny it
Pain you know you can’t ignore
I don’t remember

Holding on, to let them know
What’s given to me, given to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe

If I can
Remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me

[whispering:]
Sensation washes over me
I can’t describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don’t remember

I’m just holding on, to let them know
What’s given to me, given to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe

If I can
Remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me
into me
into me