el oh el

So, I’m back from PAX… well, I’ve been back, but now I’m blogging. PAX on the whole pretty much sucked, methinks. Cody and Josh had some fun because they stayed later to play Desert Combat, but neither I, Nick or Gabe (the guys I was riding home with) had Battlefield 1942 or Desert Combat, so, meh. Everyone agrees that the PC side of PAX wasn’t very well represented, whlie console gamers and table top gamers probably had a ball.

Our CS team got dominated second round by some CAL-O/CAL-I team, which was kinda disappointing. I think we could’ve won a few rounds from them had some of the members of our team not given up halfway through… it seemed like they had given up, anyway. Alas, I doubt we could’ve won and we just need more practice. But at the end of the day it’s just a game.

Coming back from PAX was way more fun in my opinion than actually being down there. Nick, Gabe and I got lost after trying to stop in Woodenville so that I could upgrade my CPU. We ate some Baskin Robbins, told stories and jokes, that kinda thing. There was a lull for about a half hour where I almost fell asleep while “The Band” played on I-5… but conversation picked up again as we neared town. We decided to go down to the Pickford Cinema (an independant film theater downtown) and watch Napeleon Dynamite. Hilarious movie!

Nick dropped Gabe off and then I stayed the night at Nick’s. Nick had to leave at about 2 pm the next day, for tennis, and I ended up staying at his house, alone, for the next hour or so. LOL, kinda awkward. I just played some CounterStrike Source on his machine and waited around for my mom to come get me. I talked with some people from his house (Shawnna and a few BLE people) and when I got home I’m pretty sure I went to sleep pretty fast. I was only up until about 1 am methinks.

Tomorrow I’m going to go with some BLE guys to watch Hero, should be pretty fun. I’ve been downloading something off of BitTorrent for the past 16 hours — there’s still 5 hours left on it. -_- i{content: normal !important}

Change of pace.

First off, before all else… Mach 3 razors rule.

Next up… I’m excited for this weekend. Tomorrow (later today, technically speaking) I’m going over to Josh’s (aka Superdude’s) and I’ll be staying the night with him and Cody. This’ll be the first time I’ll be hanging out with Josh outside of a BLE event, so it should be pretty cool. We’ll be going over to Nick’s (aka Ghrog’s) for some pre-PAX practice, and then we’ll watch Hero with Dave at the mall. After that, we’ll be heading back to Ghrog’s to stay the night methinks, and then in the morning we get picked up by Dan and hauled off to PAX.

PAX should be a blast. I’m trying to enter as many tournaments as possible. It’d be pretty cool if I won some, or even placed in some, so that I can win some free prizes to upgrade my comp with! My comp’s kinda falling behind…

In other news, I’m in a pretty good mood, at least for today. i{content: normal !important}

BLOG TITLE THIS

Written to the tune of http://www.ocremix.org/detailmix.php?mixid=OCR00623 (note sure if I did the tag right, sue me).

Where to start? I don’t really have a lot to say, but I haven’t said much since my last blog, so I figured I might as well record my thoughts… if only for myself. One of my friends used to try and convince me that people only kept journals/diaries so that other people would someday read them… and I suppose there is some truth in that. I know that I stopped keeping my “other” journal (the angst ridden piece of trash I’d rather not have at the moment) when I realized no one would be reading it.

So anyway, I’ve been hanging out with some friends “in real life” for a few days now, and this has seemed to piss off a number of my internet friends. I feel like my internet friends have gotten too used to me being at their fingertips whenever they needed me (whereas it wasn’t always true when the roles were reversed and I needed someone) and now they’re upset that they can’t get a hold of me because I have a life outside of the web. It’s a bit upsetting that they’re surprised and even resentful that I’d be hanging out with “irl” friends for so long.

I started a few days ago, when I walked down to the Valley Market to meet with some friends.. It’s about a 40 minute walk down there these days because of construction going on. We met, got some food, and then walked up to gate 5 where they we were gonna go swimming in this swimming hole they found. They had dammed up an area and apparently it was pretty deep, however, somebody else had wrecked the dam. So instead they ended up getting high while I sat and watched (because I’m a good kid and I don’t do that).

Then we went up to my house and watched some movies. We watched Heat and Frequency (not in the same day, however, Frequency was viewed the following day). Then one of my friends left and with the other friend we watched Wargames and “The Shenmue Movie” (and extra DVD that came with the Xbox version of Shenmue 2 — I was interested in seeing what it was… turns out it’s just like a synopsis of Shenmue 1). Gavin left and I got back online for like an hour to play some CS/chat it up, but both activites were unfulfilling so I just went and played XBox. It was good to get away from the computer for a while.

The next day (so three days have passed now since I met my two friends at the market) the three of us get together again and we go see a movie. We went to see Without a Paddle, which is pretty funny, and I can recommend it with good conscience. The movie was kinda ruined by jerks in the theater (some “punks” in front of us wore their hats in an obnoxious way that blocked the bottom of the screen, and they kept getting up to rearrange their seats. Behind us were really loud, annoying sounding kids) but the movie was still funny.

We then went back to one of the friends’ houses to spend the night. We go to the Valley Market again to get some food and on the way back my friends jump into some bushes for fun (they’re big bushes and it is pretty fun to jump into them). However, some guy calls up security because he thinks we’re acting suspicious and security comes and interrogates us and ID checks us. We have to almost run to our friend’s house because the guard only gave us about 10 minutes to get back there before he was going to call my friend’s parents to check and make sure we were there.

The next day we (which was monday) watch The Salton Sea with Val Kilmer. Also a pretty good flick, though slightly cliched. The rest of the day we whittle away by just kinda goofing off, until another friend of ours comes to pick me and my other friend up. I get dropped off close to my home and walk the rest of the way. When I get there I just unwind by playing some XBox until about 8 PM. Then I get on the internet to catch myself up with things and maybe play some computer games.

When I get on though, I almost instantaneously get in an argument with Cody. Apparently one of the admins on a CS server I frequent was being a jerk to him about clan tags. I still don’t really even know the full story because Cody said he was just being an asshole, and he didn’t want me to talk to the admin about it. I suspect that the admin just hadn’t heard news of the “BG2/IBN” merger yet, and that’s why he was asking Cody to take the tags of. Regardless, Cody gets upset with me (likely because I wasn’t exactly taking his side — I tend not to take anyone’s side in a argument, but rather I evaluate both sides) and stops talking. As I said to him, I personally think he blew the situation out of proportion, and he assumed that because I cared little about this situation that I wouldn’t care about his problems in real life. This is untrue.

Cody, I do care about your problems. However, sometimes, I don’t care for the way that you tell them to me. And this isn’t just you, either. I don’t care for the way a lot of people tell me their problems. They act as though their problem is the only one that matters in the world, or as though their problem is going to cause the end of their world, or as though their problem is going to end their life (or drive them to a life ending scenario). I can’t help but think to myself that when people do this, they’re just being over dramatic. I guarantee that if you live in the United States, you’ve got it better than most of the world population. While this doesn’t make your problem less valid or less painful, it should give you a reality check and make you realize that your problem isn’t the largest in the world. At the very least, it should teach you a little bit of humility. And to Cody — sorry if I was a bit rude, but that’s the way I am. I’m blunt, and I didn’t really not mean any of the things that I said, if you understand what I’m saying. I hope this blog shows you a bit about my mindset.

Sometimes, I find myself guilty of over exaggerating my problems, too. However, I try to make a conscious effort not to blow my problems out of proportion. I also my a conscious effort not to share my problems with others, unless I really need to. I’ve come to discover that most people don’t want to hear me drone on about my problems, especially when in retrospect they’re minor and insignificant. I suppose this is another annoying feature about myself (at least to other people) — I don’t “open up” to people.

Moving along, the home front is becoming increasingly awkward. I could’ve sworn my mom told me about three times that she was “done” with my (now ex) step-dad, Jeff. However, he’s still living, sleeping and eating here.

My mom wants to get me into counseling (along with my sister). I don’t particularly think I need it, but, eh, who knows? i{content: normal !important}

Deezee’s plans after graduation = doomed to failure? + random musings

For a few years now, I’ve been hoping to move down to California and live with my dad. Ever since he moved down there I’ve been wanting to do this. Originally, I wanted to go to high school down there and earn residency for college and live with my dad while I went to college. However, that didn’t work out (unsurprisingly) because my dad can’t really handle finances very well.

Yet, I still hope to move down there when I finish up high school here. He plans to have a mobile home by then, which is at least somewhat of a more permanent fixture than the apartment that he’s operating out of now. I’m a humble person (or at least, more humble than the rest of my family) and living in a mobile home doesn’t bother me as much as it would bother my mother or brother. It wouldn’t bother me at all. Does that mean I have no dignity?

My mom thinks so. Regardless, I still think it’d be a good idea to move down with my dad in a couple of years. There’s some good colleges in California, and if I live with him and go to college, that greatly cuts down on my expenses. At the very least, I’ll live with him while I go to a community college to get my Bachelor’s (and gain residency) and work (to get some money for real college) and then go off to a university.

However, I can’t help but think that this won’t ever happen, and I’ll have to remain up here in Washington. I just have this feeling that my dad will never get the mobile home or when he does get it he’ll be unable to support another person. He just isn’t very good with finances.

I remember being really upset when I got the news (in the summer before my freshman year of high school) that I couldn’t move down with my dad as planned. I realized that I’d have to remain here with people that I didn’t really like, and above all else, with my mom. At the time, she was really horrible… her anger was fueled by the fact that my dad and brother had left and she now had to take care of two kids by herself. While I can empathize with her situation, I can never forgive her actions.

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has the audacity to act like she raised me. This simply isn’t true. My brother did most of the parenting, and beyond that, the internet was more of a parent than either my mother or father was. I’m not exaggerating this, either, whether you want to believe it or not. And I know, I’m starting to sound boderline-teen angst here, but believe you-me, I speak the truth. My mother was always busy with my sister (and later, my brother, as he started to drink and do drugs) and my dad was always tinkering with the computer with little success.

My mother likes to brag about my successes at school, and I can’t help but feel upset at this. It’s not like she ever helped me to succeed. All she ever did was tear me down, and then think all was forgiven by saying “sorry for, you know, back there… earlier…” The only person who I think has the right to feel proud about my successes is my brother, because he’s the one who’s helped me most in my life.

Sometimes I feel like there’s too much faith being placed in me to succeed. People expect big things of me, and sometimes I feel like failing on purpose. Just to show everyone that I’m human and capable of mistakes, too. Not even that… maybe just to let them down, like they’ve let me down. But I know I won’t, because I want to succeed for ME, not for anyone else. Call me selfish, but I’m looking out for number one. And honestly, can you blame me?

Who knows, I still have some “growing” to do. Maybe my narcissistic, cynical outlook on life will change. But then again, I’ve always been fond of those aspects of myself… I truly believe that deep down, everyone wants to look out only for themselves. I’ve just come to embrace this part of me a bit more than your average person. Then again, another part of myself that I value is my integrity…

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Random musings version 0.1

My chat program, Trillian, automatically logs every single conversation I have. Out of curiosity, I checked the size of the logs folder today, just to see how big it was… 6.1 megabytes. I think it’s interesting that my whole life since March can be summed up in 6.1 megabytes. Did I think that it should take more or less space to sum up my life? I’m not exactly sure.

And it’s not a summary of my life… more or less a log of my life. I really do live my life through the internet, and those parts that I don’t live on the internet are most certainly discussed on the internet. I could go back through those logs and remember every single emotion that I’ve felt since March… it’s a bit odd.

What is, perhaps, most unsetlling, is that I really only talk to a handful of people, even though I have about 200 buddies. There are only about 10 people that I talk to on a regular basis, I’d say. And yet there are 139 log files — most of which are 1 KB a piece. Hmph…

Lately my mom has become much more calm, thanks to her counseling. And yet, I still can’t help but feel awkward talking to her. She doesn’t try to hug me anymore, which is good. Hugs with her were always awkward. Even though she’s calmer now, I don’t think I can forgive her for the years of emotional abuse that I had to put up with. She used to tear me down in ways unexplainable… suffice to say that I have trouble opening up to anyone thanks to her.
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Hmm

So I finally have summarized my story that I’ve been planning to write for oh so long, and it turns out that I don’t exactly like it. Hm. I think I need to go back over it and re-evaluate what’s wrong and then fix it.

Then again, I could just be a lazy punk.
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If Deezee were a goth whore:

My life is like a box of leftover pizza. What’s gone is lost forever and what’s there has suffered irrevocable damage. Though you could stick it in the microwave and attempt to save it, it’ll never taste as good as when it was from the oven. It’s cold and lifeless, and eventually it’ll mold.

OHBURN I’M JUST KIDDING GUYS I’M NOT GOTHIC LOLSUP i{content: normal !important}